Try something different...

My name is Helen and I'm a chocoholic ! 

Since I've started on this complete lifestyle overhaul I have tried lots of new foods. Some more successfully than others. 

Successful:

Avocado

Tuna steaks

Sweet potato 

Strawberries

Peanut Butter

Quinoa 

Pine nuts

Honey

Unsuccessful:

Raw tomatoes

Greek yoghurt

Actually that's not bad at all really. 

I have definitely broadened my pallet and my repertoire of recipes. I cook pretty much everything from scratch (except the occasional treat meal!)

But the one thing I struggle with is not eating chocolate. Don't get me wrong I have cut down a hell of a lot, it has been known in the past for me to eat 3 chocolate bars in one day (!) now I'm on about 1 a week. 

I've had a very long conversation with a good friend at work who tells me if you cut out all the refined sugars like chocolate your pallet changes and you almost learn to love natural flavours again. For sure I find fruit especially now tastes sweeter but I still have the dirty habit once a week. 

The other thing I miss is chocolate flavoured items, cakes, biscuits etc. so imagine my delight when I found a recipe for paleo chocolate torte. 

http://ohsheglows.com/2011/06/03/chilled-double-chocolate-torte-the-no-bake-version/

A nutty base made with pecans, maple syrup, coconut oil and cocoa powder. Then topped with a chocolate mouse made with chocolate chips (a treat!) Cocoa powder, maple syrup and avocado. Yes that is right, avocado!

This torte is rich, chocolatey and delicious. It tastes indulgent. Who'd have thought avocado could taste so good?!

I've road tested this on my parents and Christopher and I think they were shocked at how amazing this torte tastes. Not going to lie, even I was surprised. 

Avocado and chocolate sounds rank but it honestly works! 

This time last year I'd never eaten an avocado. 

So all I can say is, go on, try something different. You might be surprised!

H x

Big hairy men and the big scary weights area...

The gym I go to is divided in to key areas:

• The reception area with a turnstile that never seems to work for me so I have to get the receptionist to open it
• The cafe area which I try and avoid at all costs otherwise I'd be ramming buttered crumpets in my mouth
• The studio where the spin classes take place. Spinning looks horrific. I know some people love it, but it looks tedious and pressurised, I'm not keen on group exercise!
• The changing rooms, I could write a whole essay about what goes on in the changing rooms but I'll save that for another day
• There is the pool, jacuzzi and steam room. When I first started I thought this would be my focus, I rarely use them at the minute, just due to time (I've either got to get to work or get home to put Immie to bed) I need to get back to using them to relax.
• Upstairs is another studio where I've done some very focussed circuits with Jason, I like doing that very focussed work. I find I am easily distracted, if the tannoy goes off in the main gym for example I loose focus. Fortunately Jason has a reasonable playlist on his iPhone so I can cope with not having other people about.
• Finally there is the main gym. This is where I spend most of my time. I'd say it is divided in to 3. Machines which I don't really use, a floor area and the big scary weights area that is frequented by big hairy menfolk.

Now I predominantly spend my time working on the floor area, kettlebells, TRX, burpees, situps that kind of thing. But more recently we have been doing a little bit of work in the scary weights area.

I find this area the most intimidating area of the gym. I STILL if I'm honest feel a little bit of an imposter. I turn up with my untoned stomach and fat arse (well slightly less fat that it used to be). Every time Jason says "lets go and use the squat rack" I'm not gonna lie I feel very nervous. I convince myself that the big hairy menfolk are questioning what I am doing there and why on earth I'd even be attempting to lift anything. This is of course total nonsense! As I know from my own experience, people pay very little attention to others in the gym, so why would they be bothered about me!? They will be more bothered about their own workout or poncing about showboating!

The other thing I worry about is doing it wrong. Jason assures me I can lift better than a significant number of the big hairy men. I am not sure. I lack confidence in most things I do in the gym but especially in lifting things. I'm never quite sure I'm going it right. I try to remember what I am told. Boobs out, bum out, hip hinge, don't bend at the knees, but it all still feels a bit unnatural. I'll get there, I know I will. I want to do it right. Weirdly I want to see what I truly can do, what am I actually capable not just what I "think" I am capable of. Again, another thing I wasn't expecting from having a personal trainer.

Finally the one thing that makes giggle is the moaning, groaning and grunting that happens in the big scary weights area. This is one area I seem to excel in! Maybe I do fit in after all!

H x

"Miss you look really tired, get more sleep!"

It is well documented that I am feeling the pressure of being a full time working mummy, wife, gym addict.

So imagine my delight when my tutor group at school today said "Miss you look really pale, drained washed out and tired. You need more sleep!" Er yeah thanks kids, what you actually mean is I look like s**t.

There seems to be a hell of a lot going on at the moment and I am tired, really tired. I know I need more sleep. But it just isn't happening. By the time I finish marking, planning etc it is often 11pm, 12am, sometimes 1 - 2am!!! I just crawl in to bed and Christopher is snoring or Immie wakes up, it takes me ages to wind down. If I drop off within an hour it is a good night!

Jason mentioned yesterday that I need more sleep and not just more sleep but regular sleep. Apparently lack of sleep raises cortisol levels which in turn can help contribute to weight gain.

Perfect. Just perfect. Not only is food an issue now sleep too?

Don't get me wrong I'd love to go to bed at 9.30pm but I need to get the work done. Before Immie I would have done the work during the day at weekends, but it just doesn't happen. She is in nursery all week, weekends are her time. But the workload is still the same, so the only way to make it work is to work in the evenings.

I can't envisage this getting any better for about 10 years! UGH

I need to work out how to work smarter so I can get more sleep or I'll never get anywhere!

Right best go do some marking :(

H x

Boobs out, bum out...

That got your attention!

It probably doesn't come as a massive surprise that I am not a natural athlete. Physical exercise does not come easily to me. Movements feel, at least until I get used to them, stiff and awkward.  It is probably why if I go out in town, dancing feels unnatural! My sense of balance is pretty terrible too. I'm getting better but it is tricky.

The biggest problem I have though is, that as an intelligent (well fairly intelligent) woman, I understand what I need to do BUT something just compute!

Take today. Today Jason has had me doing barbell deadlifts. Deadlifts are a move I am not unfamiliar with but I have mainly been working on a deadlift with kettlebells. A barbell is slightly different, arms on the outside of your legs instead of the inside seems to be the main difference. I watched Jason perform the lift, processing what I needed to do.

I obviously look as glam as this when I workout!

"Bend at the hips, use that hip hinge movement, don't bend at the knees" he said. "Ok, lets give this a go." What do I do first? Bend at the chuffin knees!

We had a few runs through, Jason talked me through it and demo'd it several times. I totally understood what he wanted me to do, but then something happens. It's like my body won't do what I need to do! It takes all my concentration and it feels like a million things I need to remember.

Essentially it is shoulders back, boobs out, bum out. (it actually is a little obscene really, especially if I bump in to ex-pupils in the gym!) But something just doesn't click, it's like my bum and boobs don't want to cooperate!

I know i'll get there and it will just take a bit of practice. It is just frustrating. It's not that I don't understand, it's just I can't translate that in to a physical movement LOL

H x

Nobody can do it for you...

I don't know what is wrong with me at the moment.

Exercise is no longer the issue (never thought I'd ever say that!) but food is. I have the breaking strain of a kit kat when it comes to food at the moment.

From June till September I did really well with my nutrition. I massively changed my lifestyle, I was eating clean, eating healthy. Since mid September I have struggled, struggled big time. No matter how much I plan for eating clean, I seem to slip on an almost daily basis. Breakfasts, Lunches and Dinners are generally fine. It's snacks. I am hungry ALL the damn time.

Before anyone asks the question I am eating enough in my main meals. I know what I should snack on (berries, nuts, seeds, fruit etc) but assuming I can be arsed, they just don't hit the spot. I'm finding cakes, biscuits and chocolate are what I am wanting. Now fortunately because the rest of my eating is fine, I'm not massively sabotaging my weight loss (I'm stuck at around 12st 3) but I know the sugary, fatty snacks are not nutritious or good for me nor do they fill me up long term.

I just feel really weak willed atm. Now I could blame the stress of work, being tired, not having time etc Simple fact is they are all excuses, only I can be responsible for what I eat. I need to gain back some of the resilience I had earlier in the year.

Interestingly this ridiculous lack of willpower, also coincides with a massive dip in my confidence. I find myself feeling sad and teary. I suspect there is a link. But I know long term this way of eating doesn't make me happy, so why the bloody hell do I keep doing it???

I am at a loss as to how to kick start myself again, I need a bloody big kick up the arse, before I start to really wreck all my hard work. Nobody is going to do it for me, only I can solve this little problem.

H x

Food cravings

When I was pregnant with Imogen I didn't crave much in particular. Potatoes was a very early craving (mashed, roasted, fried, baked, chips, crisps etc) and then I had a week of craving chocolate covered Brazil nuts. But I got away quite lightly.

But the first few days of eating clean provide me with the most terrible cravings ever. Having had a rather large blip food wise I am trying to refocus again. I know if I can get past the first 5 days it gets easier. But oh my days, the cravings are hard work today.

Today I have been craving (in no particular order)

• sausages
• potatoes
• cheese
• chocolate
• pizza
• chips
• kebabs
• burgers
• bacon
• diet coke
• Yorkshire puddings
• gravy
• biscuits
• crisps
• garlic bread
• hot buttered crumpets
• hot buttered potato cakes
• buttered scotch pancakes
• chocolate spread on toast.
• baked beans

Trying to snack on nuts, seeds, berries, fruit. All fine in their own right but trying to re-educate my brain and taste buds again.  It is going to take a few days to settle, I just need to stay strong.

H x

One day it will be my warm up!

It is amazing, Friday I undertook the toughest PT session so far, it hurt mentally and physically. Friday night I was having a massive confidence dip.

Today I have woken up itching to go to the gym, because I pushed myself further than I have done before on Friday (with a bit of shoving from Jason!) I feel like when I go in today I'll be able to tackle anything, it is a very motivational feeling!

So it got me thinking. On Friday one of the things that made me freak out the most (aside from the burpees!) was the step ups with 2 x 16kg kettlebells. There was a lot of huffing, puffing, groaning, moaning and swearing. I find step ups really hard. Not sure why, apart from my fitness levels, I always feel like I am about to deck it at any moment. But on Friday I did 20 step ups (10 per leg) in each circuit.

I remember a time about 7 months ago when my circuits included step ups with a medicine ball, (not sure how heavy but definitely not as heavy as the 2 blue kettlebells I am using now). I could only managed 3 or 4 without having to stop/pause. After a week or so we had to ditch the step ups (and lunges) because my knees were in tatters. Aside from the fact my general fitness levels were not great,  I was that overweight my knees couldn't cope with the strain.

It's taken a while but I am now at a point where I can do step ups and lunges without my knees being affected.

My fitness levels are a million times better than they were in April/May. I reckon if I tried the original step ups now with a medicine ball, I'd have no problems, infact I won't try them as they wouldn't push me now!

Christopher has noticed too. Last week we took Imogen for a walk in the woods, inevitably half way round she wanted carrying, Christopher carried her for a bit, but was moaning his back hurt. So I put Immie on my shoulders and powered up the big hill, not stopping.

Last year I wouldn't have been able to carry her up the hill, infact me just walking on my own I would get out of breath and had to stop to rest several times whilst walking up the hill! Now I can do it with no stopping carrying a nearly 16kg 3 year old (thats just a bit more than a powerbag!) It is little every day observations of differences to my fitness that I love.

So I just wonder at what point I'll ever get to a point where burpees are just nothing to me? ;)

H x

Sweaty Betty!

One of the things that always makes me chuckle at the gym is seeing girls in full make up, perfect hair, paying lip service to exercise. Picking up the smallest of dumbbells, and doing something with them. Small dumbbells aren't a problem IF they are pushing you and taking you forward but if it's easy then it's not adding anything to your workout.

And that may sound a bit pious of me but it is true. I know that sweating feels about the most unattractive thing ever but I know if I don't sweat it isn't doing me any good. 

I do NOT look good after a proper session in the gym. I look beetroot faced, sweaty and like I'm possibly about to collapse. And as much as it pains me, just to prove my point this is what I looked like last night (20 mins AFTER my session finished!

Now I sweat at the gym, A LOT! I usually in my head measure how I've done by whether I can see sweat patches on my gym clothes. Recently this has been EVERY SINGLE TIME. It makes me feel rank but makes me feel good at the same time. Last nights PT session was no exception. I think I was sweating from every single pore, it was very attractive. But I know it was doing me good.

The only downfall of being a sweaty Betty is that my gym kit stinks. Literally it is the most disgusting thing ever! But because my gym kit is loaded with Lycra (keeps the wobbly bits from jiggling too much!) I can't boil wash it. So Christopher bought me some of this stuff:

Halo Sports Wash is my saviour! (I'm sure other brands are available!) I am also told a few drops of tea tree in your wash work too but I CBA to faff about. This stuff smells off tea tree and every time I use it my gym kit comes out smelling absolutely fine again! Good job too as it was getting expensive to keep binning stuff after 2 months!

H x

I'm not a quitter, I'm not a quitter, I'm not a quitter...

Oh. My. Days.

I had a funny feeling today's PT session would be tough. I'm absolutely knackered. For a variety of reasons this week I have been averaging about 4/5 hrs sleep a night. It really isn't enough. I've also had a 6 hour teaching day which was exhausting, plus my RSI is playing up a lot today,  on top of a whole bunch of other issues this week that I won't bore you with here.

So I knew it would be tough. If I'm honest I'd been feeling a bit uneasy and nervous about it all day.

I went, and Jason announced that I'd be doing the vile new circuit but he was upping the vileness by increasing it to 20 reps. 20 reps, only 5 more reps than last week, doesn't sound like much does it? Even then I was still thinking ok this will be tough but I can do it.

But then something went a tad off course, I didn't anticipate quite how much the fat girl voices in my head would get to me today. I don't know if I'm just tired or in that frame of mind but Christ on a bike, every single bloody rep was a struggle. At one point in the 2nd circuit I had to walk away. I was very close to saying "screw this, I'm not doing it anymore, cancel my direct debit, I'll stick with being a fatty". I don't think I've EVER felt that close to quitting in 7 months. I didn't though, I went back and I carried on. I think I even had a little cry at some point (I'm such a bloody wuss!) There was a couple of times I was hearing myself say "I can't do this", Jason gave me the option to skip burpees etc Well he said he did, I think he had no intention of letting me skip anything and he knew I wouldn't want to skip things or I'd be mad at myself. And that I guess is the difference. 7 months ago I'd have quite happily skipped things. Now I don't want to skip things. I don't want to be a loser, I WANT to keep going, I WANT to push myself.

But today was hard, really hard. Probably more mentally than physically. Don't get me wrong physically it hurt! But mentally it hurt more. I feel a bit like my confidence has been knocked a little. I'll bounce back and crack on again on Sunday but for now I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself :( So I'm off to cheer myself up by watching Z List celebs eat kangaroo knackers. I have a ton of school work to do but my RSI is telling me I need a break. It'll keep.

H x

Ok I might have actually lost my mind...

So after my first ever outdoor run on Saturday someone has just tagged me on Facebook to this:

My first reaction wasn't "no way" it was "yeah cool, lets give that a bash!"

My 2nd, delayed reaction was "crap, how far is 5k?" But its ok peeps, I've Googled it and it's about 3.1 miles. I ran 1.78 miles on Saturday with fairly minimal bother (apart from the tops of my thighs aching for 48 hrs!) so with a few months of a bit of practice, some more squats in the gym etc and I should be fine no probs right?

H x

Bras

I've been thinking all day what to write about tonight. I could tell you about how I smashed my time in the gym tonight, which resulted in some slightly unhinged giggling.

But I think I'll tell you about a slight issue I've been having since I started all this gym malarky and that issue is bras.

When I started all this fitness stuff my bra size was 46DD. The cup size I was never too worried about, my boobs always looked ok,  but the back size was massive!

I have 2 bra issues.

1) Sports Bras. Sports bras are REALLY expensive! Also high street shops do not stock anything over 38D. So if you are a larger girl, you are stuffed, yet ironically it is the larger girls that NEED the sports bras most! I ended up spending my birthday money on Sports Bras (from Amazon!), hardly the most exciting thing to buy, but oh so essential.

2) My 2nd issue is boobs shrinking. A lot of my body has shrunk. Not least my boobs. I've gone from 46DD to 36C. When I got pregnant with Imogen I stopped wearing underwired bras because they were uncomfortable. As I got fatter and fatter I found I couldn't go back to wearing them. I convinced myself that manufacturers had changed the way they made bras and thats why they were uncomfortable, er no it's because I was fat! My mother has always said that a decent bra can make you look slimmer as it, without being too graphic, lifts your boobs up!

I have found now I have lost weight I can wear underwire again, which has made a huge difference to how I look. BUT the issue I have is now non of my bras fit properly. I know I need to go to a shop and get measured again, which is a massive pain in the arse in itself. However, my issue is BRAS ARE REALLY EXPENSIVE! Decent bras cost a fortune, something I just can't afford at the moment.

So if anyone would like to buy me some bras 36C, thanks!

H x

Coconut flour disaster

Today I have learnt that coconut flour is NOT a substitute for almond flour.

After a hideous couple of days at school, I thought I'd do some paleo baking to cheer myself up.  Stress and emotions make me eat. I love baking and the odd healthy sweet treat is often enough to stop me binging.

But there seems to be a nationwide shortage of ground almonds, so I thought I'd experiment with coconut flour. Coconut is something I never liked before till I started eating clean/paleo, but I love it now, so I thought this would work well.

I'd figure I'd make some coconut biscuits with dark chocolate chunks.

I poured in the ingredients and set my mixer on the case. But the mixture looked very dry. The recipe didn't say to add any egg and most other recipes do so I added an egg, it was still too dry. So I added another, still too dry. After 3 eggs I should have twigged this was going the wrong way, the mixture just wouldn't form a dough. 5 eggs later and it still was like crumbs. So I added water. Eventually I gave up and "squashed" the mixture together in to biscuits.  I put the first 9 biscuits in the oven and set a timer. After 10 mins of watching CBeebies I got my "biscuits" out the oven.

I instantly knew they weren't going to be good. They looked raw in the middle and burnt on the outside. I tried one, 1 bite in and they tasted foul! Now I don't bin food, ever (a total food issue of mine!) but even I've got to admit these are going in the bin.

So 5 eggs and some very expensive coconut flour wasted, not to mentioned a bar of high quality dark chocolate. To say I am heartbroken is an understatement.

Off to console myself with some peanut butter and carrot sticks.

H x

Turns out I do have a competitive streak...

I've never been one for competing against others, particularly competitive sports. I detested it in PE at school. I wasn't one of the sporty girls at school and I found things like netball, hockey etc abhorrent! I've always told myself I hated it.  This is an issue I've carried with me in to adulthood and it displays itself in a number of ways, usually underselling myself!

So imagine my surprise when today I found a little bit of my competitive streak lurking away in the depths of my mind. I've been working on a new circuit which at the moment feels totally vile, its hard, it makes me sweat, makes me feel nauseous and I kinda like it.

When I went through this circuit at my last PT session I took 27 mins 35 seconds to complete 3 circuits of 8 exercises (15 reps per circuit and including 2 x 2 min rests) When I tried the circuit myself the next day I took about 36 mins! A horrific time, and I was a bit narked with myself but I vowed to do better. When I tried again on Friday I was 29.45 including the rests, better but still over 2 mins slower.

Jason has always told me that you never push yourself as hard on your own as you do when your PT is there. So tonight I thought, stuff that, I'm going to smash it. So I repeated my circuits and tonight ladies and gentlemen I pulled out of the bag a time of 23 mins 2seconds!

Now it should be noted at this point I had to leave the TRX out because someone else was using it at the start of my circuits but even if I allowed 1 min per set on the TRX which for me would be reasonably slow that would still be 26 mins 2 seconds which would be just over 1&1/2 mins quicker than my PT session time. So I think ladies and gents you could say I smashed it out the park. YES *air punch*.

So next time the plan is to do all 8 exercises including the TRX at a time of 26 mins or less. No probs right?

So there you have it, I've caught myself being a little bit competitive with myself. New territory that.

H x

I'm an idiot...

http://www.withings.com/

I know, I know, I know! I know I shouldn't weigh myself every day. But I do. Alright, I admit it, I weight myself everyday. Sometimes multiple times a day.

 The intelligent part of my brain tells me this is stupid for 2 reasons

1. Your weight fluctuates throughout the week and throughout the day
2. You become obsessed 

So this morning after being on a high from getting back on track this week, I've put 2lb on! 2 bloody lb!!! For god sake!

My first thought was, OMG move the scales see if I get t a different reading. Then best of 3, then best of 5. Then I got cross. Why, Ive been so good? Then realisation, actually we went subway yesterday, I was reasonably good, I only had a 6" not a foot long but still bread and shit and then I might have had a couple of fondant fancies too oh and a biscuit. So actually, I've got no one to blame but myself.

 I know if I step on the scales this afternoon I'll probably have lost a lb and therefore it will have only been 1 lb I've gained. But that will just be the daily fluctuation.

 So this morning I have got up and made breakfast lasagna, its cooking as I type. But now I am stressing because it has chorizo in and thats processed and has fat, therefore am I going to be doing more harm than good. And then I think well stress is bad for weight loss too so am I making it even worse!?

ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH why is this next half a stone eluding me!? And anyway, I'm getting fit and eating better, why do I even give a crap about the weight. As long as i'm getting healthier and my clothes fit/get a bit looser it's all good right? No, my head is still conditioned to care about the numbers on the bloody scales. Am so mad at myself!

H x

Who knew running would be so emosh

When I was 14 or so, my form tutor at school insisted I had to represent the form for 300m at sports day. I was horrified at the thought. I really didn't want to do it, I felt sick days before. (I was the kid who did everything to get out of PE, why would I want to run!?) So I took part in the heats except half way through disaster struck, I realised that if I carried on at the pace I was running I would qualify for the final and have to run in front of the whole school. So I slowed down on purpose ensuring I finished 2nd to last so I didn't qualify. "ah never mind its the taking part that counts" said my idiot of a form tutor. No mate, if you had any understanding of your pupils and what they were about you would have realised forcing me to enter that race was the worst idea ever. 

Ever since then I have had issues with running. I have convinced myself I can't run!

Back on the 30th October I posted this "So this week when Jason suggested I should give running a go, I didn't think "f**k off I don't run", I thought yeah, maybe.  I'm not entirely sure how to run outside (sounds daft!) I need to psyche myself up to it but before Christmas I am going to give running outside a go."

And today was the day I did it! I've been talking myself up to it for the last 2 weeks.

I waited until it was dark (less chance of people staring at me). I put on my trainers and joggers, grabbed Christopher's hi-vis jacket and my water bottle, installed RunKeeper on my iphone and I ran. First hurdle, getting out the door, done! 2nd hurdle was to get past the group of teenagers on the corner of our street, they didn't seem to bother too much about me though.

3rd hurdle running up hill past Sainsbury's, so far so good. I wasn't sure how far I would go or for how long, I just thought I'd see how it went. I nearly fell over when I heard someone talking behind me, I thought I was about to be mugged, then realised it was RunKeeper telling me some stats hahaha

In the end I ran to just past where Dard's used to be (half way to Cudworth if you are from Barnsley), then I ran back. Coming back was so much harder, but I only walked to cross the road (didn't think tripping in the road would be the smartest move) other than that I ran all the way. RunKeeper tells me I ran 1.78miles in 21.20. I don't know much about distances or times. But I am guessing it's not that far or particularly fast but the important thing is I did it. I didn't deck it, vomit or cry. I'm still alive, sweaty, but alive. Now I know I can do it, I can build on it. I can aim to go longer and faster.

I think the thing that has shocked me the most is I ran for 21 mins. On the treadmill in the gym back in May I was struggling with 6 mins. My fitness is definitely improving. I actually feel quite emosh about this little achievement, who'd have thought.

H x

Those little voices in my head can get lost...

Friday's is always a funny day for me gym wise.

I don't start school till 10am on a Friday but due to a mad rush to get the house tidy for the cleaner, I end up having to stop at home till about 9ish just putting things away etc. So I don't go to the gym in the morning. Then my timetable means I teach either 6 lessons or 4 lessons, 3 of which are back to back from 1.15 - 4.15. People outside of teaching won't realise but that is physically and mentally demanding, especially the 6 lesson day. So come Friday evening I am usually knackered.

Today needed to be a gym day. I didn't go yesterday due to a late INSET session and I hate missing 2 days in a row. But over the course of the afternoon my bottom left wisdom tooth started to make a bid for freedom again. By 4.15 my gum was inflamed and I sounded ridiculous. (might explain the dizziness over the past couple of weeks though!)

I seriously considered not going to the gym, why would I want to do circuits when I feel so crap? A little voice in my head was saying, go home, get 45 mins sleep before Imogen comes home, you can just go tomorrow. But for once I didn't pay any attention. I downed some ibuprofen and paracetamol and dragged myself in. I am glad I did. My circuits were so much better than Wednesday. Still not fast enough but significantly better. I got through the 15 reps. It hurt and I thought the vein in my neck might explode my pulse was that fast and I was quite clearly the sweatiest person in the gym by a country mile! But by the end I felt good, mainly because I'd done it.

Now just to get my time down and stop faffing about when doing burpees!

H x

You are not a dog...

I've come to realise over the past 6 months that over my 32 years on this planet I have conditioned myself to reward myself with food.

"ooh I got a promotion, lets go to Pizza Slut", "ooh I didn't eat chocolate, fancy a curry?", "Yay I lost a lb, chippy tea?" "Today ends in y, want a kebab?"

Yes I can find any reason on earth to celebrate with eating crap food. So this week I was mega proud that on finding out I'd been awarded a pay rise, I DID NOT order a takeaway. Nope I had a lovely huge piece of sirloin steak with sweet potato and roasted veg. It was delicious. It took a bit of willpower but I'm glad I didn't buckle.

I reckon it will still take me a while to ditch the whole "reward with food" culture that is deeply embedded in my brain, but I am getting there.

Maybe I can buy a new Radley handbag instead?

H x

For the love of god I NEED cake...

Paleo cake of course, but cake.

Most paleo cake recipes seem to rely on ground almond flour, but there appears to be a national shortage of the stuff. Christopher seems to think it is something to do with a national recall because of traces of peanuts were found in it or something. Would that effect every single supermarket???

I suppose I could grind my own almonds in Christopher's coffee grinder (shhhh don't tell him!) but I don't think I can be arsed. I best eat some fruit before I do something silly and eat one of Imogen's French Fancies (when I say 1 I mean 1 box!) and end up in some sugar induced coma!

H x

I am actually dead.

Today has been a funny old day.

Meeting with the big boss man first thing. But felt out of if all day, I had woken at 2am this morning with a banging headache and dizziness. I took my anti-dizziness tablets and slept till my alarm at 5am. The headache and dizziness has been lurking all day, but my tablets and extra strong ibuprofen have seen me through, although I felt spaced out all day.

This afternoon my year 7 class were so impressed with the demo of making animated gifs that they burst in to spontaneous applause (haha).

And then I've had a training session. I wasn't sure how todays session would go. I was buzzing last week. But today I felt so drained I wasn't sure I'd get through the session without decking it.

So after a bit of a warm up and a few questions about why I'd only done 11/12 reps on Sunday (really must stop being so honest on this blog!) "15 reps" Jason said . "oh crap" I said in my head. I wasn't sure I could. Everything in my head was telling me no today. I don't get why 15 reps feels a billion times harder than 10 reps but it chuffing does. My latest nemesis is sit ups. There is something about them I dislike, A LOT. I don't know if it is going from being stood up to on the floor but they make me feel dizzy (but is that just the dizziness I have anyway?)

There were a couple of times I was literally arguing with myself in my head "I can't do this" "yes you bloody can". But I got through it. I mentally dragged myself through today. I didn't bottle it. This is good. I did all 15 reps, 3 circuits of 8 exercises. That is 360 movements in about 27.35 mins (with 2 x 2min rests)

Turns out the difficulty from upping my reps is not physical, it is mental. My brain tells me I can't. I wonder if I will ever get past that.

By the time I'd finished I was dripping in sweat (literally), it is a very attractive look, good job I'm not at the gym to pull. I feel totally dazed by today's session. On paper I should be buzzing at my progress, but the reality is I just feel numb, I'm not entirely sure how I got home tbh. So I can only come to the conclusion that I am dead.

H x

Chin up beautiful...

It is well documented that I've had a few stumbles over the past 8 weeks. Nutrition has been a nightmare, 1 day good, 1 day shocking, yoyo-ing between clean, healthy, delicious, fresh food and total, utter shite. Fitness wise I've had a fair few rubbish sessions in the gym, never quite getting the push I want, never feeling satisfied. Too slow, too few reps, bottling it on circuits, even crying! (Yes I am that slightly unhinged woman blubbing on a mat!)

This for me is a dangerous time. A lot of people will say, "don't worry, you can't be superhuman all the time, you're pushing yourself too hard, relax a little". But I am so petrified of slipping, slipping back to old habits. Sacking off the gym in favour of Corrie and a bag of wispa bites, takeaways 3 -4  times a week etc. I don't want to go back there, I know how rubbish I felt (mentally and physically). I can't go back there, it would destroy any confidence I have developed over the last 6 months.

And here is the crunch. I've got to get over this "failure" idea. Slip ups do not equal disaster. They are just a slight deviation from the path and I just need to make sure I get back to the path, at the earliest opportunity. 

So after a 8 not so great weeks, I am ready to get back to the path. I've stumbled, but I'm ready to pick myself back up, dust myself off and refocus. A great training session Thursday helped, but even more was the session I did on my own today. I went in with the idea I'd do 11 reps of my 8 exercises (I did 10 on Thursday). But on the last circuit, I thought I'd push to 12. I motivated myself to push another rep out on each circuit. Now that might not sound a massive achievement, 1 more rep, so what? And possibly physically I could have done more BUT the achievement was mentally, pushing beyond what I set out to do.  This is massive for me. I CAN push myself beyond.

So, onwards and upwards. Tomorrow I need to refocus on the food. I know I can do that and if I feel the fitness is getting back on track I "think" I'll be motivated to get the nutrition back on track too.

H x

How many expletives....

How many expletives can one girl utter at a pair of kettlebells? Answer: A LOT!

Much to my mother's disgust, my language, at times (a lot of the time) can be fairly "colourful". So it comes as no great surprise that during sessions at the gym the odd (ok a lot) of expletives often pop out of my mouth.

The current target of my verbal abuse is often the kettlebells. Or "bastard kettlebells" as I affectionately call them. Some might say if I have the energy to swear, then I could push myself harder. I say that uttering a few (a lot) of expletives is my way of getting through it. I have tried to tone it down a bit. Swear less, whinge less is my new motto. I "think" I am getting better (although others might disagree!)

I have noticed though the target of my expletives will vary depending on which exercise I am finding hardest. The powerbag took a lot of verbal abuse for a number of weeks and those dumbbells didn't escape when I was doing dumbbell thrusters.

I also find I talk to myself a hell of a lot too. "Come on, 5 more reps, you can do this, stop being silly, for god sake man up" haha. These are all things I mentally shout at myself and often say out loud. To anyone else I probably look mental.

I wonder if other gym-goers swear as much and talk to themselves and inanimate objects? Or maybe I am just mental!

H x

I will beat her...

This is one of my favourite images from Pinterest. In recent months I have spent an unhealthy amount of time looking at "fitness motivational quotes" on Pinterest. Some speak the truth and some make me laugh.

This particular image strikes a chord with me because I do constantly feel like I am overcoming an old version of me. I feel like I now know 'I CAN' beat her. I know that she has had the upper hand for too long and that this time I'm going to win.

The last few weeks have been a bit flat I guess. I've struggled with the food, not because I dislike the eating clean/paleo but because of time. That age old gripe. Too much work on, too tired, need food, CBA to peel veg and cook.  

So this weekend I am taking matters in to my own hands. 

I'm going to cook all my meals for the week (dinner and lunch!) over Saturday and Sunday. I'm going to portion them up, put in tupperware (I am queen of tupperware!) and freeze. I can get then get them out in the morning/night before. No excuse. Reheats are quicker than takeaway!

Gym wise I am going to have a bash at my new circuit but I'm going to up the reps by 1 rep each time. Build it up. Last night I did 10 reps. If I went straight to 15 I know mentally I would struggle. But 11 seems feasible. Then the next time 12, etc.

Also we talked last night about whether I am maybe going to the gym too frequently. This is frustrating. In the summer hols I was going 5/6 times a week, but with no work to worry about it was easy. Now I'm back at work, planning, marking, analysis etc is piling up. I've been aiming for 5 sessions a week but realistically that isn't happening, then I get narked at myself. Stress doesn't help.  So I am aiming for 3 sessions + 1 training session. Hopefully a bit of realism will get me back on track.

The old me is not going to get one over on me!

H x

I have to praise you like I should...

When people ask me about how I am losing weight/getting fit etc the first thing I obviously say is "I've got a personal trainer, he's brilliant" (pay me a tenner later Jason!). Their response is usually "Oh, I couldn't be doing with someone barking orders at me!" Well no, me neither.

I'm guessing that with a personal trainer you need to find one who fits with your mentality and the type of person you are. I reckon a really good personal trainer is able to adapt to what their clients need.

I think we've already established I lack confidence. If my personal trainer just barked orders at me I would be demotivated and nervous, I wouldn't have the confidence to do things for myself. For me I am motivated by praise and a bit of gentle coaxing. That doesn't mean he lets me get away with copping out of things, not by a long stretch, but he encourages and convinces me that yes I can do those step ups with the blue kettlebells and no I'm not going to die doing burpees. Then when I do get it right, he tells me. "That's the best circuit I've seen you do in a long time and I'm not just saying that."

I need that praise. That praise gives me the biggest buzz. Knowing that I've listened, learnt, made progress, got something right etc and that, that has been recognised by someone else makes me very giddy.

It's got to be due praise, it wouldn't work if the praise was every session for things that didn't need praising but when praise is due it is very motivational. Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty sure that doesn't work for everyone but it works for me.

I suppose the point of my post is that if you are looking at a personal trainer you need to find one who can work out quickly what presses your buttons, what will spur you on. Just so happens I got lucky first time.

"We've come a long long way together,
Through the hard times and the good,
I have have to celebrate you baby,
I have to praise you like I should"

H x

Act cool, it's fine, nothing to see here...

Lots of people manage to go to the gym without incident. They go, do their exercise, have a swim, maybe sit in the jacuzzi, have a go in the steam room, have a shower, go home.

Sometimes though things happen that make you cringe inside.

I am pretty clumsy. I have had 3 embarrassing incidents at the gym that I am going to share with you, just because they crack me up when I think about them and everyone needs a giggle on hump day.

I suffer from dizziness, sometimes it is worse than usual. (I don't think it is gym related!) After a particularly bad bout of dizziness I was having a training session. I was feeling ok, doing a warm up on the treadmill. Now they ALWAYS tell you to wait for the treadmill to totally stop before you get off it. So what do I do? Press stop, the machine starts to slow down, but rather than waiting, I thought I'd let myself slide to the end and do a little casual jump off the end. Sounded fine in my head. What actually happened was I decked it and fell in a crumpled heap on the floor in front of several people with Jason asking me if I was ok and if I'd passed out!  Nope just decked it!

The 2nd incident involved a dumbbell, I must have been doing some manoeuvre lifting them above my head. As I bought the dumbbells back down, I smacked myself in the head! #fail!

Finally my particular favourite was doing a chest press on a swiss ball with a barbell. As I finished the exercise my lack of balance came in to play. I went to roll up and somehow fell off the swiss ball, on the floor with the barbell on top of me (Fortunately it wasn't a very heavy one!) and  ended up with carpet burns on my elbows.  I thought I'd got away with it, only Jason had seen, he is very polite and didn't laugh (too much)! But no, some old codgers passed comment, apparently it happens to everyone hahaha oh dear.

I hope that gives some of you a little laugh at my expense! ;)

H x

I LOVE burpees, kind of...

"Ok do some burpees" said Jason, "you what?" I said. 6 months ago, I'd never heard of burpees.

Burpees are an exercise sent from Satan himself.

I am told they are very good for you. For those of you unfamiliar with burpees here is a short youtube clip. (I was going to video myself, obviously being so awesome at burpees and all that but I didn't want you to be jealous of my amazing skills)  ;)

Burpees make my thighs hurt, they make me hot and sweaty, they make me nauseous AND I am always slightly concerned I may deck it and smack my face on the floor.

My burpees aren't quite as refined as this. Every now and then Jason insists on showing me how proper burpees are done, just to remind me that at some point we might need to attempt proper ones. But for now I do "girl burpees" which are a bit (ok a lot!) less parallel and close to the floor and have slightly (ok a lot!) less enthusiasm on the way up.

But I do love burpees, honestly I do. Why? Because when I started with Jason way back in April I could only manage 3. 3 burpees. In a circuit of 3 exercises I could do 3 in the first circuit, 2/3 in the 2nd circuit and maybe 1 if I was in a really feisty mood on the last circuit. They are really hard. (even my year 11 pupils are impressed I do them!)

So why do I love them? Because to me, burpees signify progress. On a good day now, I can do 15 in a row without stopping (just about), 3 times over. I'm pretty sure on a really good day, if I really focussed I could do more. This is progress, mentally I don't even think about 10+ burpees now, I just do them. (mostly!) Physically I am fit enough to manage 10+ burpees. I 'COULDN'T" manage more than 3 back in April.

In 6 months I have made a lot of progress, I think. I still have more progress to make and I really need to up the reps and possibly start trying "man burpees" but I'm heading in the right direction!

H x

Once a fat girl, always a fat girl?

Today I've found myself referring to myself as a fat girl. 

My journey so far has consisted of a lot of physical changes but a shed load of mental changes too. 

Trying to convince my brain I can do xyz etc. but just as I'm not "there" physically, neither am I mentally. 

I still feel massively overweight, self conscious, awkward etc 

I know I've lost a lot of weight. I know I am fitter than I've ever been, I know I'm to toning up but I still feel and act like a fat girl. 

I wonder how long it takes to change your own view of yourself? Or will I always feel like a fat girl, ready to slip back to bad habits at any moment?

I hope not. 

H x

"Listen to your body" yeah but when is it telling the truth?

One of the hardest things I find about exercise is knowing when to listen to my body and when to ignore its protestations.

Fortunately since starting all this exercise and healthy eating I've not been ill (touch nearest wooden object). So I've not had to make the "am I too ill to go" decision. But I have had a few days where I feel a bit ropey and dizzy, mainly due to tiredness. This usually results in me dragging myself to the gym, feeling dizzy and putting in a rubbish session. I then feel angry and fed up.

Everyone says "listen to your body" but the bit I struggle with is do I need to genuinely take note of what it is telling me and rest up a bit OR is it my inner fat girl trying to make excuses?

Today is one of those days. Friday night Imogen's eczema flared up. This resulted in a 9.30pm dash to out of hours to get more steroid cream and antihistamine. By the time we got back and got her settled and ate dinner it was 10.30pm

Yesterday we were up early to go to Guildford to scatter my Grandad's ashes. A 400 mile round trip. By the time we got back, settled Immie and I had a few loose ends to tie up for work it was about 12.30am when I crawled in to bed.

This morning Imogen woke me at 6.45am (not too bad by kid standards) but I'm sat here feeling dizzy, exhausted and a bit ropey. I feel if I go to the gym I will be so exhausted I wont even get through 1 circuit.

But here is the problem. Is it my inner fat girl tricking me? Should I drag myself and go anyway? Should I go but just swim? (might be good for the stress levels?) Do I sack it off today? I honestly don't know. Mentally I really want to go. For me it is all about momentum, I need to keep up my momentum, the minute I miss a day here and there (remember I didn't go yesterday) is when I start to slip and everything gets 1 billion % harder.

It is exactly the same when going through the circuits. Sometimes you will do an exercise that hurts or makes you feel like you're going to vomit. (In the past the list has included stepups with a medicine ball, using a powerbag and the dreaded burpees. Currently dumbbell thrusters make me feel like arse!) A lot of the time you need to push through, no pain no gain (apparently!) but when is a pain a problem? When do you need to rest or adapt your circuit? When is it just my inner fat girl being a wuss?

So do I go today? I don't know. Maybe I'll see how I feel about 4pm today.

H x

You're never too old, fat, old and fat...

A lot of people have said to me "ooh you're an inspiration, I wish I had your motivation!". Which is a lovely thing to say and very flattering (although when I'm sweating, swearing and grimacing I feel far from inspirational) 

The gym can "seem" like the MOST intimidating place on earth. Big shiny machines, weird sounds (a combination of the machines clinking and people like me moaning and groaning) and you'd think lots of skinny minny girls and big muscly blokes (there are some) Lots of people there for the look of being there, although how hard they're working is for them and their conscience to know. 

This week I had a really good look round at my fellow gym buddies and I've noticed there are people of all different shapes and sizes, different ages too. I've seen skinny minny girls doing unbelievable things with their legs (how do they even bend to that position?). I've seen ordinary women lifting heavy weights. I've seen the most overweight people ever having a bash on the TRX. I've seen OAPs having a training session with a personal trainer, clearly keeping fit but enjoying the conversation and the social contact. I've seen teenagers getting puffed out on the rowers. I've seen couples exercising together, spurring each other on. 

But the one thing I've come to realise is nobody looks at you. Well that's not true. What I mean is  people are rarely judging. They might be looking to see what you are doing, comparing what you are doing to what they are doing but they're very rarely judging. Most people are so focussed on their own workout they probably haven't even noticed you (except when you're using the kettlebells they want!)

You very rarely get the odd comment from a smart Alec but I am safe in the knowledge I'm on my path and doing my thing, if I'm sweating and red faced that's a good thing, so screw them!

I guess my point is. Don't be concerned over what others might say or think, and don't wait to be inspired by others. You need to be your own inspiration. Set your own goals, push your own boundaries and forget other people are there. You're never too fat, old, young, thin, fit or unfit to inspire yourself. 

H x

I don't get it...

I really don't get it. 

Some days you go to the gym and you know you're going to smash it. 

Other days you go and you know it won't go well. Maybe your too tired/stressed/hormonal whatever but you go and drag yourself through. 

And those two scenarios make sense. 

But the third scenario doesn't make sense. You look forward to going all day, you feel in the right frame of mind to smash it. Then you start your warm up and everything feels wrong. Even the warm up has you puffing. You start the circuits and every thing hurts. Mentally you hit the floor. No matter what you do you can't get in to it. You try and try to drag yourself through but it just doesn't happen. Sometimes you don't even make it through your full set. 

I get struggling if you've gone in with the wrong frame of mind. I don't get how you can go from feeling totally up for it to struggling?

Today has been one of those days. Gutted. I really felt id smash it today. And I know all the "don't beat yourself up, tomorrow is another day" but this is becoming a frequent problem. Feel like I've lost my gym mojo. 

Rubbish :(

H x

I'm not too old for TopShop right??

So far I've talked a lot about the "journey" I'm on. The things I'm doing, what I've found hard and what I love. But today is all about the positives, the benefits and the things that have changed for the better.

Shoes:

My shoes now fit better. Before I was having to buy size 7 and quite often wide fit just to accommodate my puffy fat feet. Now I am buying size 6&1/2 and normal width. I also have bought my first pair of knee high boots in about 7 years! They actually do up round my calfs! I have missed knee high boots. I am also wearing heels again. I never realised but I'd stopped wearing heels. The reason being I was so overweight it was putting too much pressure on my feet. Less weight = less pressure = back wearing heels.

Wedding & Engagement Rings:

When I was about 7 - 8 months pregnant with Imogen I had to take off my wedding and engagement rings as they had become too tight. I assumed that once I'd had the baby they'd slip right back on. WRONG! As my weight ballooned there was no way they were going to fit. So about 38 months after I had Imogen (3 months after I started the personal training) they finally fitted again!

No joint pain:

At my heaviest my joints were starting to give me a lot of pain. Primarily my right hip and my knees. "You need to lose weight" said my doctor, "yeah yeah, easier said than done" I replied.  I'd assumed that  I was heading for a hip replacement, mother and grandmother have both had them, but at 32 I thought I was possibly a little young!!!! Turns out losing the weight = pain gone. So probably have a few years left in me yet before I need a hip replacement! The only pain I get now is muscle pain when I have been trying something new at the gym, but that is a good pain.

Shopping in different shops:

For the past 5 years or so I had been shopping in Evans. Only Evans. Nothing wrong with Evans, they do some lovely clothes for larger women BUT they aren't super trendy and being limited to one shop is not ideal. Today I bought a dress, not just any old dress but a Topshop dress. I haven't shopped in Topshop in over a decade. Not only did I go in on my own (intimidating!), I picked something, I paid for it and then when I tried it on at home it fitted AND looked pretty good! You have no idea how unbelievable this feels. I can shop in skinny minny shops! (we'll gloss over the fact I was the oldest person in the shop and dismissed half the clothes as being too weird!)

Walking to the corner shop:

I hadn't realised I was avoiding going to the corner shop. I would always make an excuse to drive to Tesco to avoid walking to the shop (literally a 5 minute walk!) Now I can walk to the corner shop without thinking about it AND without getting out of breath.

Climbing the stairs at school:

The school where I work is MASSIVE! Some blocks are 4 storeys high. I can now walk up all 4 flights without getting out of breath (just about!) and without my thighs feeling like they are going to explode.

Compliments:

I have NEVER had as many compliments about how I look in my life. Loads of people compliment me on my weight loss. Friends, family, colleagues and pupils. I have had colleagues who I don't really know very well approach me and say how well I am looking. People ask me about what I am doing, they are surprised and interested. I love it (although I am getting a massive head!)

Soft Play:

Last year I took Immie to a soft play centre in Sheffield. Soft play, for those of you without small children, is like Pat Sharps Fun House (off of the 80s, if you are too young to remember this, youTube it!) Soft play for the overweight parent is like hell on earth. It makes you hot, sweaty and you get stuck in things. (I nearly got stuck in between 2 rollers!) Since I have lost weight I am able to get round soft play without sweating (too much) and without getting stuck on things. It is still hell on earth but that is because of other people's children, not because I am a fatty!

Muscles:

I've never had muscles before, well I have (other wise I'd be a jelly fish or something!) but I've never had defined muscles. My arms and legs are now beginning to look toned and I love it! I sit in my car at traffic lights, tensing my arms just to check the muscles are still there. I lay in the bath raising my leg to check those muscles out. (yes I know that makes me sound ridiculous!) I love it though. It is a sign that I'm heading the right way. Don't get me wrong I don't want to be some female incredible hulk type but I do enjoy working on building up my strength (as an aside I nearly crushed the Occupational Health worker's hand today when he was testing my strength LOL). Now if I could get my stomach and abs to catch up I'd be a happy lady!

Rolls at the hairdressers:
Yesterday I went for my hair cutting. I went mad and had it all chopped off and dyed. It looks fab, I love it! (Thanks Auntie Mary!) But one of the best things was being able to sit facing a mirror for 2 & 1/2 hours without having to stare at double, triple even quadruple chins!

Asthma: 

Whilst I was on maternity leave I was struggling with breathing and a persistent cough. The nurse at my doctors surgery diagnosed asthma, exacerbated by cold weather. Except it turns out losing weight, getting fitter and healthier I haven't used my inhaler for months! In fact I haven't been ill in ages (watch me get a cold now!) I am pretty sure I am not asthmatic and that it was all weight and health related, we'll have to wait for the cold weather to really see but either way health wise I feel a billion times better!

So lots of positives! Roll on shifting this last bit of weight, toning up some more and more importantly getting even more fit and healthy!

H xx