This blog has moved.

For a variety of reasons I have taken the step to move to another blog site. I have copied all my posts from here across.

The new blog can be found at:
http://andthatsjustthewarmup.wordpress.com/

H x

This time last year...

So today we've FINALLY broken up for the Christmas hols, for a teacher this is as good as saying that the year is over.

So I've been reflecting a little (for a change) and after a few months of saying I didn't know why, it has suddenly dawned on my what kickstarted this journey.

 My wedding & engagement rings.

Around this time last year, I went to a jewellers to investigate getting my wedding ring and engagement ring resized. I'd taken them off when I was about 6 months pregnant and due to my subsequent horrendous weight gain after Imogen was born, I never put them back on. It wasn't a case of they were tight, I physically could not get them on my fingers. For 2 & 1/2 years I'd vowed that I would lose the weight and get them back on but it wasn't happening. So I relented and went to see about resizing.

The jeweller informed me that because they were platinum and the price is through the roof at the moment and they'd need such a huge expansion it would cost me £800 to have them both resized and even then they wouldn't fit properly because they couldn't take them up to the size I would need without the rings becoming too thin. So I decided against it.

Now I think about it, I think that is what triggered me wanting to shift the weight and really shift it for once and for all. So in January I started my journey, but I didn't make progress until April when I started with Jason. And the rest as they say is history.

In the summer I finally managed to get both my wedding ring and my engagement ring (which is smaller) back on. In fact, now they are actually too big! I'm so glad I didn't fork out £800. If I'd have had them resized I wouldn't have "needed" to lose the weight. I'd have probably carried on as I was.

I have easily forked out way more than £800 in gym fees, personal training sessions and sports bras! BUT not only do my rings now fit, I am fitter, healthier, my overall body shape is better (not perfect by any stretch, but a billion times better and heading the right way), my confidence has improved and I have a way of switching off from work (which I REALLY need right now!) 

Good decision not to get those rings resized!

H x

It's the most wonderful time, of the year...

I am 1/2 a day (2 lessons and a department standardisation meeting) away from the Christmas holidays. YEEHAH!

I am very very very excited (apart from all the marking I have got to catch up on)

 But I have one little niggle. Christmas is synonymous with over-indulgence, how on earth am I going to not totally destroy my nutrition and fitness??


The problem is 2 fold.

1) I will be away over Christmas, so less control over food. Plus Christmas is full of lots of naughty foods.
2) Because I am away I won't be able to get in to the gym until the New Year.

 Now I know what you're all thinking, "it is Christmas, surely you can relax a bit" and I know what Jason's thoughts on this will be BUT I am still concerned.

So here is the plan.

1) Enjoy Christmas food but without going totally crazy. Christmas dinner is meat, veg etc anyway! Maybe make some of my favourite paleo type snacks so I feel like I'm having a treat but without resorting to single handedly eating a family size box of just Brazils in one go.

2) Running and Tabata. I did some tabata over the summer when I went to Cyprus. Pretty sure I can just reuse that a few times. Also, my parents live opposite a huge park. I've done 1 outside run before, maybe I could have a bash round the park. I "think" I'm being realistic. It is one week. I'm not going to go back to what I was this time last year. But equally I want to do some damage limitation.

Me Christmas 2012

Me December 2013

I want to start January 2014 in a position to make progress, not in a position of shifting half a stone that I've already lost once before.

H x

Do you know what really narks me off???

There you are having busted your ass in the gym, you've done your kettlebell burpees, you've done your kettlebell swings, sit ups, press ups etc etc You're sweating like a glamorous pig, beetroot faced and boiling, your muscles are aching and you go for a shower. A nice, boiling hot shower to sooth those aches and pains away, a little bit of relaxation.

But no. The showers are not boiling hot and steamy. Oh no. They swing from scalding to freezing in a kind of 30 second cycle. Meaning you are hopping in and out of the water, whimpering and yelping.

FFS. I REALLY wish they would get the showers sorted. They've not been right since I joined back in March.

When I have worked hard at the gym, my body temperature plummets! I need a hot shower to warm me back up. I do not need a cold shower. Cold showers are never right.

This is obviously EXACTLY what I look like in the shower at the gym! 

H x

Back on it

It is well documented in this blog that I have experienced a massive blip since about mid September.

But I am back on it now. I know I am. You can just tell when you are on it and focussed.

• I've had a couple of good sessions in a row and they're making me smile again. I'm enjoying the soreness in my muscles rather than seeing it as a negative. Positive sessions = motivation. It is like a self perpetuating cycle, the better a session goes the more you believe you can do it and in turn the more you want to do it.
• I'm focussed with the food. During the blip a long day at work would = chippy tea. But not tonight, tonight we're making (I say we, I mean Christopher!) Paleo meatloaf. Yum yum!
• I didn't go to the gym tonight, 1) I am doing alternate days at the gym 2) I have got SHED LOADS of work to do. The fact I haven't been tonight has really narked me off. I'm totally shattered and ready for my bed but I wanted to be in the gym having a bash at some kettlebell burpees. This is definitely a sign I'm back on it. 

I look hot when I workout, in the literal sense, not the biblical sense -_-

So tonights plan is getting my lesson planning done for tomorrow, early night and get back in the gym tomorrow evening. Bring it on!

H x

It's all in my head...

I spend a lot of my time looking at motivational fitness quotes on Pinterest. I do this for 3 reasons. 1) Sometimes you stumble upon a quote that really resonates with how you feel and gives you a little buzz. 2) It gives me a lovely distraction from marking, planning, analysing data etc 3) Occasionally you find a belter of a quote that will work for GCSE exams that you can use in form period to motivate your little band of happy campers.

One thing that comes up time and time again is that fitness and pushing yourself beyond your limits isn't so much limited by your physically capabilities but more your mental attitude.

This is something I am encountering time and time again. Whenever Jason gives me something new to try my first reaction is "Is he for real? He's got to be joking! No f*cking way!" My natural reaction is "can't".

The first time I tried burpees I was convinced I couldn't do them! I managed 3. I can do them (in a fashion). I remember the first time I managed 10 in a row. That feeling was unbelievable, you'd have thought I'd hit the jackpot on the lottery, then the time I managed 45 burpees in 1 session I had a smile on my face for hours after. But if you'd have told me that first time I could do 45 in one session I'd have said "no way!". Sometimes when I am doing something like burpees I mentally have to tell myself I can. Outwardly I will vocalise "I can't do this" but in my head I am trying to tell myself I can. It is a real mental battle sometimes. But it is good for me to reflect back and remember what I thought I couldn't do and where I am now to see that pretty much anything is possible.

So today we've tried kettlebell burpees. This involves dead lifting everyones favourite kettlebells, the big fat purple ones but then as you put the kettlebells to the floor you go down in to a burpee, then back up again, deadlifting them back up. The biggest issue I have with this move is not the deadlift, it isn't the idea of the burpee particularly. No the biggest mental hurdle I have with this is the idea that the kettlebells are a tiny bit wobbly and therefore I might deck it and face plant it.

Now I remember this "concern". It is the same concern I had about doing regular burpees right at the start all those months ago. I got past that mental hurdle and I don't really think about it now. So I just need to convince my mind that I CAN do kettlebell burpees and that I WON'T deck it.

H x

You know when you've pushed yourself...

"You'll never work as hard on your own as you do in a training session with me" Jason has been saying this to me from day 1. Initially I thought he was just saying that to try and get me to buy more sessions with him haha and much as I would love 2 or 3 training sessions a week my bank manager says no! (Once Immie leaves nursery and I'm saving £800 a month in childcare Im on it!)

But he's right. There is a huge difference between me trying to motivate myself and push myself to having someone next to me pushing me on. Things which anyone (not just me) might slack off on are speed, rests, form, reps etc.

But sometimes, just sometimes you get a workout where it all comes together and you are pushing yourself as hard as you can. You're doing the reps, not cheating on rests, your form is good, you're adjusting things to make things harder not easier, you're smashing your times and YOU JUST KNOW you're putting in 100%. These are THE BEST kind of workouts.

Today was one of those days.

I've worked so hard this morning. I knew it was going to be a good one. Some of the signs that I know I've done a good session

- I am literally dripping in sweat. It is running of my hair, down my face, my top has ridiculous tide marks. (attractive huh!)
- my face is bright beetroot red and my skin is boiling
- I feel like I may vomit
- I giggle at the end of the last circuit. For some odd reason when I've put in a good session it makes me giggle, endorphins maybe?
- Taking my sports bra off becomes the trickiest task ever because my arms feel like spaghetti
- The shower in the gym turns off before I've even run my hands through my hair because I need a few mins to just calm down
- I sing loudly in the car on the way home, I don't know why! If i've had a rubbish session I tend to sit in silence.
- I want to go and do it again! Nothing like a good workout to motivate you and spur you on.

Knackered but happy!

Not all independent workouts are like this, not even all training sessions are like this. But they make you feel bloody awesome when you do pull one out the bag like it. I suppose the trick is to always aim for this, you might not always get there but at least aim for it.

H x

Inspirational women and going out eating/drinking

Yesterday I went to the gym in the morning. I was buzzin before I started. I'd woken up the lowest weight I've been in about 10 years (11st 9) and for the first time since I started all this fitness malarky I felt like my stomach is beginning to look flatter. It was the first time I could genuinely see the progress in myself. So despite having had minimal sleep due to a 3&1/2 year old having a nightmare I felt good and up for tackling my circuits before work.

I started with my warm up and I was sweating profusely. It is never going well when even the warm up is killing you. I pushed on through the first circuit and pulled a time of 7 & 1/2 mins, not the best time but not the worst either, I felt a bit sick. I started the 2nd circuit and BAM, 2 exercises in I felt sick and REALLY dizzy. I've not had this for a few weeks. It was bad enough to make me need to lay down with my feet resting up on a step (looking like a complete tit). At one point I very nearly blacked out, having blacked out twice in my life I know what it feels like and I don't like it.

So at that point I did my cool down, felt a bit fed up and went for a shower.

Whilst I was getting changed and feeling a bit sorry for myself I encountered a woman called Helen. Helen is in her 70s (maybe she is me in the future) and she is quite possibly one of the most positive, motivational woman I have EVER met.

Helen was chatting to another woman. They were talking about age. She was saying how age is just a number, it doesn't matter, it is how you feel inside. She then went on to say how people ask her if she has any regrets in her life. She said "I tell people, I don't have any regrets, every experience is good or bad and you can learn something from them. There is no point in having regrets, it is just life and I wouldn't change a thing I've done."

She was so positive about life.  I'd love to get her to come in and do an assembly for year 11!

She comes to the gym a fair bit (I hope I'm still doing that at 70+!) but I also hope I can be that positive about life. At the moment I am quite a pessimist. Maybe I am just tired and it is the end of a long term. Maybe after 2 weeks off work (if you don't count marking 100+ Y11 mock papers!) I might feel a bit brighter. The cloud is beginning to lift though especially with the help of decent exercise.

Last night I went out. My good friend Hannah is leaving our school next week so a few of us went out for dinner and drinks. I haven't been out since August! Having lost 4 & 1/2 stone I decided to buy a new dress, new heels etc.

Me ready to go out

We went to ASK (an Italian restaurant). I had already perused the menu on the Internet and decided what I could eat that would fit with my new way of eating, I was going to have a salad but salad in winter is just wrong. When I got there, the garlic and bread smells coming from the kitchen were just too good. I ummed and ahhed for ages and in the end I relented. I had a pizza (!) shock horror! BUT I was considered about my choice. I picked a meaty pizza (meat on paleo is good, even chorizo! so I figured whilst it wouldn't be totally clean it wouldn't be a disaster), tomato sauce won't be too bad and I asked them to make me a gluten free base. This would be more paleo than proper dough but also it makes the base super thin so not as heavy. I'm not sure what Jason will say but I'm going with the thinking that a little of what you fancy does you good from time to time and I hardly ever go out and I'd have felt shortchanged for my night out if I had forced myself to have a salad when I didn't want it.

I also had a drink. After a bit of a discussion about drink with Jason, I decided to just have a few drinks of what I fancied. I had a white wine and soda with my meal (the soda was a great idea because I haven't had alcohol in ages so it diluted it down) then I had 2 vodka and diet cokes. After an intense day at work I thought I might get absolutely hammered but as it turned out I was too tired and 2 & 1/2 alcoholic drinks were more than enough.

My favourite kind of goblet, can I use this for goblet squats?

So I ate my pizza, I enjoyed it , I drank alcohol and enjoyed it, and now I am back eating clean today. No damage done. It's all good.

H x

Aches and pains

So today I am feeling last nights session. I got up this morning a little bit stiff and sore. This has gradually intensified as the day has gone on.

My list of aches and pains include

- sore muscles at the bottom of my tummy
- sore arm muscles
- pain in my lower back (still not sure I've got those hip hinges right)
- sore muscles where my boobs are (!)
- a big whack off bruise where that barbell was resting

Secretly I quite like it. It means I got off my backside and did something yesterday. As they say, no pain, no gain!

H x

Sssh I secretly enjoyed todays session...

So today's training session has been centred around the big scary weights area with the big hairy men. Not going to lie, I really enjoyed it! It still scares me silly, I still doubt my capabilities BUT I find it challenging and it is something I feel I can make progress with. There were definitely some blokes eyeing my suspiciously though. Maybe they were worried I'd show them up ;) LOL joke!

It started with using the squat rack. We've not used the squat rack for a few weeks and that barbell felt heavy, heavier than I remember! Then we added some weights (10kg at each end I think) but that just felt ridiculous, I thought I was going to fall over, so we went back to nothing, just the bar, that felt much safer. We tried with the 5kg (I think) weights later that was better but still ridiculous!

Then we had a go at the Romanian deadlift with a barbell. I still find the hip hinges hard going, they require so much concentration, trying not to bend at the knees but still going down far enough, not dropping the shoulders etc. BUT I think I am slowly getting it.

Then the bit I'm most chuffed with. I did man press ups. I beat my previous record of 3, by doing 10 whole man press ups. (followed by 10 girl ones!) Yep I did 10 actual proper press ups. Not very elegantly I might add and probably a lot to improve on my technique BUT I did them! #progress!

Then reverse lunges, why is backwards so much harder than forwards? Why does my brain struggle to compute these? I can do them, they just feel very slow at the moment.

Finally we had a dabble using the T Bar Row. Now the T Bar Row makes good use of the boobs out/bum out approach but then just to make it feel even more obscene you add in pulling up and down a massive metal bar between your legs. Now maybe I hang out with teenagers too much but this just creases me up. Even now thinking about it it makes me giggle, I can't help it!

I'm not even sure how many circuits I did tonight?? But it felt good.

So today's training session was a good one, I feel motivated, tired and sore but motivated.

H x

Self esteem

I'd not really thought about it too much before but this fitness lark and nutrition has been as much about self esteem building as it has been about weight loss and getting healthy and fit.

Tonight my self esteem has taken a bit of a battering.

After promising I would go to the gym tonight after last nights failed attempt, I actually ended up at Meadowhall  (For my American followers Meadowhall is a big out of town shopping centre in the North of England.)

Now I hate Meadowhall and Meadowhall before Christmas is normally a no go. But tonight was an emergency.

On Friday I am going out. I've not been out drinking in months (literally about 5 months!) and it is for the leaving do of a very good friend. So having lost so much weight I thought I'd buy something new to wear. I spent Sunday night surfing the Internet and found a dress and some shoes I thought might look ok, ordered them and they turned up today. Now what was interesting is I ordered a size 14. I didn't contemplate the 16. I was suspicious the dress might not fit due to its style but I thought I'd give 14 a bash.

The dress turned up today. It did up, hurrah! But I didn't feel comfortable enough to wear it for a whole evening. Self esteem still ok at this point.

So I did a mad dash to Meadowhall. I really wanted to go to the gym BUT tonight was my last chance to get something to wear for Friday and I still have this headache lurking. So on balance I decided it would be better to go shopping. (sorry Jason!)

I knew I could get a refund on the dress, so I tried a few other shops. I actually tried things on in shops (never did that this time last year!). The first few shops everything was just never gonna fit. The sizes were too small. Self esteem a little dented, but still ok.

Then I went to the shop I bought the dress online from. I spent ages trying to find something I liked, eventually I found 2 possibles, so  I took them too the changing room. And here is where the self esteem took a massive free fall plummet. In the Marks and Spencer's changing rooms they have mirrors all around. You can see EVERYTHING from every bloody angle. Fat arse, fat thighs, whoopee cushion saggy stomach, haggered face with spots. Oh my days! Then to add insult to injury the new style dresses in a 14 wouldn't even do up. Bam. There goes 8 months of self esteem building gone in 5 mins in a changing room. I feel as crap about the way I look as I did 8 months and 4 stone ago.

Issues? Possibly.

So I finally admitted defeat and got a 16. I'm not convinced it is totally right tbh, I think it is too loose round the boobs but it'll have to do, I haven't got time to look for anything else.

I no doubt reckon this post will generate some comments regarding "how far I've come, how much better I look" etc etc BUT it still doesn't mean I'm happy with how I am now.

And I KNOW I should forget the way I look and just concentrate on the fact I am healthier and fitter BUT it isn't as easy as that.

H x

Frustrated...

ARGH!

For the past 6 weeks I have been suffering continuous headaches interspersed with migraines. I've always suffered with headaches and the odd migraine but not to the level of frequency I have been getting them now.

The doctor thinks they are stress related, (yeah thanks for that Doc!) and has prescribed some tablets that are next to useless. Other than that he's just suggested I take ibuprofen and paracetamol. I'm not keen on continually taking painkillers, not with the frequency I now seem to be relying on them.

But tonight I am really narked. I've had a migraine lurking all day, I've taken the painkillers and thought I'd get myself to the gym and try and take my mind off it. 5 mins on the rower and BAM head is pounding.  The whole left side of my head is banging, especially over my left eye. So I've had to abandon my workout. GUTTED! I know people say "listen to your body" but seriously, for god sake,  how am I supposed to maintain any kind of form when this happens.

I'm so flippin' mad!

People will say, get to bed earlier, get more sleep, get less stress etc but how do I even do that? I'd love to go to bed at 9pm tonight but Immie won't be asleep till 8, I need to eat dinner and mark 30 Y7 books and sort 3 lessons for tomorrow.

I seriously can't keep on with these headaches though. Can't remember the last day I didn't have a headache. :(

Hoping I can get it under control and go to the gym tomorrow instead.



H x

Eat clean/paleo and lifting heavy things works!

So the massive plateau (read eating tons of crap and multiple takeaways in a week) is finally over.

I mentioned the 10 day challenge the other day that Jason set me. Eat clean/paleo for 10 whole days not slipping up, on day 11 I can have a treat. I feel so much more positive and focussed.

Well I've got up this morning, so after 3 full days, and the weight is dropping off again.

On Thursday 28th November I was 12st 5. I stayed like that most of the week I think, possibly even higher, although I didn't step on the scales, as I knew it would be a disaster (#denial). But this morning I have stepped on and I am 11st 12. This is the lowest I have been on this journey.

Now I am trying (very hard) not to get too obsessed with the numbers on the scales BUT this has made me do a little dance this morning.

My focus now is improve my overall fitness and get a flat, toned stomach. I am not entirely sure the last one is even possible, I've NEVER had a flat, toned stomach, even when I was younger but I'm going to give it a good go. I'm on my way with it. If I tense my stomach muscles, my stomach is already getting quite firm. Just need to lose the excess flab and post-pregnacy(How am I still working on my post pregnancy tummy when Imogen is 3&1/2 years!?) overhang, which is already a billion times better than it was!

excuse the post-workout cod eye!

So it turns out the right food, combined with lifting heavy things in the gym really works. Do one without the other and it is never going to work.

H x

Music is muchos important when I'm working out...

Music plays a significant part of my life, it always has done. I love a lot of different genres of music, I sing in my car (loudly!), I love going to gigs and I met my husband when we played in the same brass band (LOL).

But I never thought music would be important to me in the gym.

Now I am an indie girl through and through. My musical tastes are firmly rooted with Stone Roses, Shed 7, Oasis, Suede, Blur, Elastica, Kasabian, Arctic Monkeys etc

But since I have been going to the gym my tastes have started to shift. I now profess to enjoy dance, trance, drum 'n' bass and dubstep (this last one earns me lots of kudos with the pupils I teach).

Now when I first started at the gym I wasn't taking much notice of the music but I have noticed certain tracks help  my motivation and effort more that others. The only indie track that has motivated me is "Bet that you look good on the dance floor" - arctic monkeys. But everything else that I normally listen to makes me feel sluggish and sleepy.

But "Silhouettes" - Avicii is one of my faves for a bit of motivation. Beat is important and a strong bass line seems to help.

So I have been trying to figure out why music makes such a difference to my work out. The only conclusion I can draw is that when I am in the gym I need to focus. If there was no music, I would be thinking about work and stressing about how many pupils are not meeting their benchmark etc. I find it incredibly hard to switch off. The other thing is it stops me thinking about how heavy the kettlebells are or how many more burpees I need to do or the fact my thighs feel like they are about to bust. Music gives my brain something else to think about, it is a distraction but without distracting me from my circuit.

One thing I have learnt is I can't wear headphones and exercise. It makes me feel super dizzy. So I do have to listen to what is on in the gym at the time. Fortunately I usually like what is on, except when they play One Direction, then not so much.

So here is my top 5 gym favourites at the moment, none of them are overly recent but they are the ones that are motivating me atm. (NB the Indie girl inside me cringes at this list btw!) :

• "Bassline" - Reverend and the Makers
  
• "Icon - Benga"
  
• "#thatPower" - Will.I.Am feat Justin Beiber
  
• "Thinking about you "- Calvin Harris
  
• "Magnetic Eyes" - Matrix & Futurebound

Oh and FWIW, "I think we're alone now" by Tiffany off of the 80s is not a good gym tune, fortunately it didn't come on till I was leaving today LOL

H x

10 day challenge

So after a bit of a stall (read MASSIVE blip!) with the old nutrition, Jason has set me a challenge.

Eat clean/paleo for 10 whole days.

No cheating. No slipping. If I do go off course, I have to text him. I'm not sure why, I suspect some kind of I'm a celebrity style punishment haha So I am not intending to slip up!

10 days feels achievable.

2 days down, 8 to go. No problems. (Although my friend Hannah's leaving do next Friday may cause me issues.)

I actually love cooking stuff from scratch. With the exception of greek yoghurt and fresh raw tomatoes I have enjoyed the whole eat clean/paleo malarky. The issue is not what I am eating, it is more time. Time to prep, cook and eat on top of trying to get a cheeky 3 & 1/2 year old to bed and then marking and planning.

Just-eat.co.uk is a dangerous website, too easy to order something then crack on with marking and planning while I wait for it to turn up.

I need to work smarter with my food, work out ways to keep eating clean/paleo but without taking up so much time because that is when I slip up. But I am so snowed under with work I can't even find the time to sit down and work out what I need to do. So for now I need to just keep focussed and keep doing what I need to, to stay on track. Maybe over the Christmas hols I can work out how to keep eating clean/paleo but without taking ages each evening. Maybe I need to cook things on a Sunday for the week?

H x

I needed a positive PT session...

Thank the Lord!!! After a rubbish few days I have finally had a positive training session.

Not going to lie, I've felt very low these past few days and the thought of doing a session with Jason tonight made me feel very uneasy. Not uneasy because of working with him, uneasy because I wasn't sure mentally I would be up to it and how I might react to a bit of pain and hard work.

Fortunately, it went well, I think. Did some weights in the big scary weights section with the hairy men. Worked on my deadlift with the barbell which is slowly but surely improving. My goblet squats felt good tonight. Did some tricep dips tonight too, not done any of those for ages! They burned, BUT I'd forgotten how when I first started all this I could only manage about 5, now I can pull out 15/20 without too much thought.  Then we did some kettlebell deadlifts, burpees (found these a killer today), kettlebell swing and finally some back rows on the TRX.

Jason is trying to convince me to take the back rows a bit lower. The "advantage" (if you can call it that) is, it makes it harder, so you have to work harder to pull yourself up. The disadvantage is I have a constant fear that I will lose grip and fall on my arse. Jason promised to catch me, hmmmmmmmm all 12st 3 of me? haha So I gave it a go, not convinced my trainers grip the carpet right though, constantly felt like I was slipping, oh that and the fact it's really hard hefting my carcass up LOL.

After the session we had a good discussion about food. I confessed to a few massive blips, no point in pretending. Jason has managed to make me think about how I tend to focus on the negatives, not just with what I do in the gym and food, but also in everything else I am doing. Certainly these past few days have been really tough and I think I've been so focussed on how crap I feel about everything I couldn't see the wood for the trees.

I've come out feeling a lot more positive about the gym, nutrition and even how I'm going to cope with the stress of work etc Amazing how just a little bit of positivity and focus can make you feel a billion times better.

Personal trainer = worth every single penny.

H x

There’s so much more room for happiness?

I still find it amazing how much my mood and mental state affects how my exercise and nutrition go.

I've made no secret of the fact that mentally I am struggling with life at the moment, for a whole heap of reasons. I also suspect there is a direct correlation with the fact I am struggling with my circuits and the nutrition.

It is daft really because more than anything, when I am low is probably the time I need to eat better and use exercise to get that endorphin rush. Yet something seems impossibly hard at the moment. A self perpetuating cycle of getting down, eating crap, feeling down for eating crap, putting in a poor performance at the gym, getting down because of that and so on and so on. I feel like I am spiralling out of control. But the problem is the more I think about it, the worse it becomes as I sink lower and lower.

It needs to stop. I need to snap that cycle of being down and focus again on the positives and pushing forwards with my health. I can't go back.

The lyrics of the above song are hitting a chord with me at the moment:

"Don’t be fooled by your emptiness, there’s so much more room for happiness".

I think I am being fooled at the moment.

H x

Food triggers

I've spent a long time thinking about why I have a tendency to over eat crap food.

And I've come to the conclusion there are 4 reasons.

1) I'm hungry, this is easy to fix. If I am hungry I just need to eat healthy, nutritious  snacks. Fruit, nuts, seeds, berries etc.

2) Boredom. I can fix this by doing other things, going to the gym instead for example.

3) I just like food. This is relatively straightforward. I just need to make sure I find recipes that are healthy, nutritious and taste delicious. To be fair pretty much most things I have been eating for 8 months have been pretty good.

Then we come to the 4th reason. The one I am struggling with at the moment and the one that probably upsets me most.

4) Stress. There is no doubt about it, when I am stressed and sad  I eat and I eat rubbish. I try so hard to stick to healthy nutritious food but something happens. I don't know maybe it is some instant kick I get from processed sugar and fats? I make myself so mad though. I know, I know what is right and what is wrong but when I am feeling low, and I mean really low like I am now something just happens, I binge and I binge on crap. This makes me feel even worse. I am struggling big style at the moment with a whole heap of things and I can feel bad habits slipping back in. :( I am supposed to be filling in a food diary for Jason, and I've now got to that awkward point where I am going to have to fess up to him what I've been eating. No point in lying, otherwise I'm just cheating myself and wasting the money I am paying him. But I feel so ashamed of myself and what I've eaten in the last 24 hours :( The only thing I am clinging to is it isn't as total disaster as breakfast and lunch were fine today! Its like something snaps.

So, so down :(

H x                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          

Things that have surprised me in the last 8 months...

Lots of things have surprised me in the last 8 months or so. I thought I'd share my top 10 surprises with you:

1) How my fitness has an impact on lots of every day things. Tonight we got our Christmas decs out of the roof. Carrying them down the stairs was a doddle this year. Moving Imogen's massive wooden toy box (full of toys) to make way for the tree was also not a problem.

2) I now run up the stairs at home without thinking about it.

3) I walk to the corner shop without thinking about it.

4) I am quite stubborn and have more resolve than I ever thought. The fact I can get through hard intensive workouts (for me!) and I don't quit, I don't cheat and I want to improve all the time is something I never thought possible 12 months ago.

5) I am quite vain! I have realised how much value I actually hold in how I look. My legs and arms look better, my stomach is way better, although still not as I want. I seem to check my progress quite a lot.

6) I am quite obsessive about things. I never thought I'd obsess about fitness and nutrition, but I have turned in to a bit of a bore.

7) I am really hard on myself. If things don't go as well as I hope, I really mentally punish myself. I repeatedly mentally beat myself up, I go over what went wrong, why, what should I do differently etc etc.

8) I can make time if I want to. Last year I'd have said I didn't have time to exercise, then it turned in to, I can only do it twice a week. Now it is 4/5 times a week depending on workload. Amazing how you can make time.

9) I can be really judgemental! If I see kids at school eating junk, it really irks me. I want to sit them down and tell them, no, just no! I have become quite pious about it all.

10) I will try new things. Food, I've tried all sorts of things I'd always said I didn't like (fish, strawberries etc) Gym I've tried a heap of things I've never done before, I have a whole new vocabulary: dumbbells, barbells, squats, burpees, TRX, Kettlebells etc I'd never even heard of half of what I do now. I've even tried running for goodness sake. New experiences are challenging but fun.

H x

Try something different...

My name is Helen and I'm a chocoholic ! 

Since I've started on this complete lifestyle overhaul I have tried lots of new foods. Some more successfully than others. 

Successful:

Avocado

Tuna steaks

Sweet potato 

Strawberries

Peanut Butter

Quinoa 

Pine nuts

Honey

Unsuccessful:

Raw tomatoes

Greek yoghurt

Actually that's not bad at all really. 

I have definitely broadened my pallet and my repertoire of recipes. I cook pretty much everything from scratch (except the occasional treat meal!)

But the one thing I struggle with is not eating chocolate. Don't get me wrong I have cut down a hell of a lot, it has been known in the past for me to eat 3 chocolate bars in one day (!) now I'm on about 1 a week. 

I've had a very long conversation with a good friend at work who tells me if you cut out all the refined sugars like chocolate your pallet changes and you almost learn to love natural flavours again. For sure I find fruit especially now tastes sweeter but I still have the dirty habit once a week. 

The other thing I miss is chocolate flavoured items, cakes, biscuits etc. so imagine my delight when I found a recipe for paleo chocolate torte. 

http://ohsheglows.com/2011/06/03/chilled-double-chocolate-torte-the-no-bake-version/

A nutty base made with pecans, maple syrup, coconut oil and cocoa powder. Then topped with a chocolate mouse made with chocolate chips (a treat!) Cocoa powder, maple syrup and avocado. Yes that is right, avocado!

This torte is rich, chocolatey and delicious. It tastes indulgent. Who'd have thought avocado could taste so good?!

I've road tested this on my parents and Christopher and I think they were shocked at how amazing this torte tastes. Not going to lie, even I was surprised. 

Avocado and chocolate sounds rank but it honestly works! 

This time last year I'd never eaten an avocado. 

So all I can say is, go on, try something different. You might be surprised!

H x

Big hairy men and the big scary weights area...

The gym I go to is divided in to key areas:

• The reception area with a turnstile that never seems to work for me so I have to get the receptionist to open it
• The cafe area which I try and avoid at all costs otherwise I'd be ramming buttered crumpets in my mouth
• The studio where the spin classes take place. Spinning looks horrific. I know some people love it, but it looks tedious and pressurised, I'm not keen on group exercise!
• The changing rooms, I could write a whole essay about what goes on in the changing rooms but I'll save that for another day
• There is the pool, jacuzzi and steam room. When I first started I thought this would be my focus, I rarely use them at the minute, just due to time (I've either got to get to work or get home to put Immie to bed) I need to get back to using them to relax.
• Upstairs is another studio where I've done some very focussed circuits with Jason, I like doing that very focussed work. I find I am easily distracted, if the tannoy goes off in the main gym for example I loose focus. Fortunately Jason has a reasonable playlist on his iPhone so I can cope with not having other people about.
• Finally there is the main gym. This is where I spend most of my time. I'd say it is divided in to 3. Machines which I don't really use, a floor area and the big scary weights area that is frequented by big hairy menfolk.

Now I predominantly spend my time working on the floor area, kettlebells, TRX, burpees, situps that kind of thing. But more recently we have been doing a little bit of work in the scary weights area.

I find this area the most intimidating area of the gym. I STILL if I'm honest feel a little bit of an imposter. I turn up with my untoned stomach and fat arse (well slightly less fat that it used to be). Every time Jason says "lets go and use the squat rack" I'm not gonna lie I feel very nervous. I convince myself that the big hairy menfolk are questioning what I am doing there and why on earth I'd even be attempting to lift anything. This is of course total nonsense! As I know from my own experience, people pay very little attention to others in the gym, so why would they be bothered about me!? They will be more bothered about their own workout or poncing about showboating!

The other thing I worry about is doing it wrong. Jason assures me I can lift better than a significant number of the big hairy men. I am not sure. I lack confidence in most things I do in the gym but especially in lifting things. I'm never quite sure I'm going it right. I try to remember what I am told. Boobs out, bum out, hip hinge, don't bend at the knees, but it all still feels a bit unnatural. I'll get there, I know I will. I want to do it right. Weirdly I want to see what I truly can do, what am I actually capable not just what I "think" I am capable of. Again, another thing I wasn't expecting from having a personal trainer.

Finally the one thing that makes giggle is the moaning, groaning and grunting that happens in the big scary weights area. This is one area I seem to excel in! Maybe I do fit in after all!

H x

"Miss you look really tired, get more sleep!"

It is well documented that I am feeling the pressure of being a full time working mummy, wife, gym addict.

So imagine my delight when my tutor group at school today said "Miss you look really pale, drained washed out and tired. You need more sleep!" Er yeah thanks kids, what you actually mean is I look like s**t.

There seems to be a hell of a lot going on at the moment and I am tired, really tired. I know I need more sleep. But it just isn't happening. By the time I finish marking, planning etc it is often 11pm, 12am, sometimes 1 - 2am!!! I just crawl in to bed and Christopher is snoring or Immie wakes up, it takes me ages to wind down. If I drop off within an hour it is a good night!

Jason mentioned yesterday that I need more sleep and not just more sleep but regular sleep. Apparently lack of sleep raises cortisol levels which in turn can help contribute to weight gain.

Perfect. Just perfect. Not only is food an issue now sleep too?

Don't get me wrong I'd love to go to bed at 9.30pm but I need to get the work done. Before Immie I would have done the work during the day at weekends, but it just doesn't happen. She is in nursery all week, weekends are her time. But the workload is still the same, so the only way to make it work is to work in the evenings.

I can't envisage this getting any better for about 10 years! UGH

I need to work out how to work smarter so I can get more sleep or I'll never get anywhere!

Right best go do some marking :(

H x

Boobs out, bum out...

That got your attention!

It probably doesn't come as a massive surprise that I am not a natural athlete. Physical exercise does not come easily to me. Movements feel, at least until I get used to them, stiff and awkward.  It is probably why if I go out in town, dancing feels unnatural! My sense of balance is pretty terrible too. I'm getting better but it is tricky.

The biggest problem I have though is, that as an intelligent (well fairly intelligent) woman, I understand what I need to do BUT something just compute!

Take today. Today Jason has had me doing barbell deadlifts. Deadlifts are a move I am not unfamiliar with but I have mainly been working on a deadlift with kettlebells. A barbell is slightly different, arms on the outside of your legs instead of the inside seems to be the main difference. I watched Jason perform the lift, processing what I needed to do.

I obviously look as glam as this when I workout!

"Bend at the hips, use that hip hinge movement, don't bend at the knees" he said. "Ok, lets give this a go." What do I do first? Bend at the chuffin knees!

We had a few runs through, Jason talked me through it and demo'd it several times. I totally understood what he wanted me to do, but then something happens. It's like my body won't do what I need to do! It takes all my concentration and it feels like a million things I need to remember.

Essentially it is shoulders back, boobs out, bum out. (it actually is a little obscene really, especially if I bump in to ex-pupils in the gym!) But something just doesn't click, it's like my bum and boobs don't want to cooperate!

I know i'll get there and it will just take a bit of practice. It is just frustrating. It's not that I don't understand, it's just I can't translate that in to a physical movement LOL

H x

Nobody can do it for you...

I don't know what is wrong with me at the moment.

Exercise is no longer the issue (never thought I'd ever say that!) but food is. I have the breaking strain of a kit kat when it comes to food at the moment.

From June till September I did really well with my nutrition. I massively changed my lifestyle, I was eating clean, eating healthy. Since mid September I have struggled, struggled big time. No matter how much I plan for eating clean, I seem to slip on an almost daily basis. Breakfasts, Lunches and Dinners are generally fine. It's snacks. I am hungry ALL the damn time.

Before anyone asks the question I am eating enough in my main meals. I know what I should snack on (berries, nuts, seeds, fruit etc) but assuming I can be arsed, they just don't hit the spot. I'm finding cakes, biscuits and chocolate are what I am wanting. Now fortunately because the rest of my eating is fine, I'm not massively sabotaging my weight loss (I'm stuck at around 12st 3) but I know the sugary, fatty snacks are not nutritious or good for me nor do they fill me up long term.

I just feel really weak willed atm. Now I could blame the stress of work, being tired, not having time etc Simple fact is they are all excuses, only I can be responsible for what I eat. I need to gain back some of the resilience I had earlier in the year.

Interestingly this ridiculous lack of willpower, also coincides with a massive dip in my confidence. I find myself feeling sad and teary. I suspect there is a link. But I know long term this way of eating doesn't make me happy, so why the bloody hell do I keep doing it???

I am at a loss as to how to kick start myself again, I need a bloody big kick up the arse, before I start to really wreck all my hard work. Nobody is going to do it for me, only I can solve this little problem.

H x

Food cravings

When I was pregnant with Imogen I didn't crave much in particular. Potatoes was a very early craving (mashed, roasted, fried, baked, chips, crisps etc) and then I had a week of craving chocolate covered Brazil nuts. But I got away quite lightly.

But the first few days of eating clean provide me with the most terrible cravings ever. Having had a rather large blip food wise I am trying to refocus again. I know if I can get past the first 5 days it gets easier. But oh my days, the cravings are hard work today.

Today I have been craving (in no particular order)

• sausages
• potatoes
• cheese
• chocolate
• pizza
• chips
• kebabs
• burgers
• bacon
• diet coke
• Yorkshire puddings
• gravy
• biscuits
• crisps
• garlic bread
• hot buttered crumpets
• hot buttered potato cakes
• buttered scotch pancakes
• chocolate spread on toast.
• baked beans

Trying to snack on nuts, seeds, berries, fruit. All fine in their own right but trying to re-educate my brain and taste buds again.  It is going to take a few days to settle, I just need to stay strong.

H x

One day it will be my warm up!

It is amazing, Friday I undertook the toughest PT session so far, it hurt mentally and physically. Friday night I was having a massive confidence dip.

Today I have woken up itching to go to the gym, because I pushed myself further than I have done before on Friday (with a bit of shoving from Jason!) I feel like when I go in today I'll be able to tackle anything, it is a very motivational feeling!

So it got me thinking. On Friday one of the things that made me freak out the most (aside from the burpees!) was the step ups with 2 x 16kg kettlebells. There was a lot of huffing, puffing, groaning, moaning and swearing. I find step ups really hard. Not sure why, apart from my fitness levels, I always feel like I am about to deck it at any moment. But on Friday I did 20 step ups (10 per leg) in each circuit.

I remember a time about 7 months ago when my circuits included step ups with a medicine ball, (not sure how heavy but definitely not as heavy as the 2 blue kettlebells I am using now). I could only managed 3 or 4 without having to stop/pause. After a week or so we had to ditch the step ups (and lunges) because my knees were in tatters. Aside from the fact my general fitness levels were not great,  I was that overweight my knees couldn't cope with the strain.

It's taken a while but I am now at a point where I can do step ups and lunges without my knees being affected.

My fitness levels are a million times better than they were in April/May. I reckon if I tried the original step ups now with a medicine ball, I'd have no problems, infact I won't try them as they wouldn't push me now!

Christopher has noticed too. Last week we took Imogen for a walk in the woods, inevitably half way round she wanted carrying, Christopher carried her for a bit, but was moaning his back hurt. So I put Immie on my shoulders and powered up the big hill, not stopping.

Last year I wouldn't have been able to carry her up the hill, infact me just walking on my own I would get out of breath and had to stop to rest several times whilst walking up the hill! Now I can do it with no stopping carrying a nearly 16kg 3 year old (thats just a bit more than a powerbag!) It is little every day observations of differences to my fitness that I love.

So I just wonder at what point I'll ever get to a point where burpees are just nothing to me? ;)

H x

Sweaty Betty!

One of the things that always makes me chuckle at the gym is seeing girls in full make up, perfect hair, paying lip service to exercise. Picking up the smallest of dumbbells, and doing something with them. Small dumbbells aren't a problem IF they are pushing you and taking you forward but if it's easy then it's not adding anything to your workout.

And that may sound a bit pious of me but it is true. I know that sweating feels about the most unattractive thing ever but I know if I don't sweat it isn't doing me any good. 

I do NOT look good after a proper session in the gym. I look beetroot faced, sweaty and like I'm possibly about to collapse. And as much as it pains me, just to prove my point this is what I looked like last night (20 mins AFTER my session finished!

Now I sweat at the gym, A LOT! I usually in my head measure how I've done by whether I can see sweat patches on my gym clothes. Recently this has been EVERY SINGLE TIME. It makes me feel rank but makes me feel good at the same time. Last nights PT session was no exception. I think I was sweating from every single pore, it was very attractive. But I know it was doing me good.

The only downfall of being a sweaty Betty is that my gym kit stinks. Literally it is the most disgusting thing ever! But because my gym kit is loaded with Lycra (keeps the wobbly bits from jiggling too much!) I can't boil wash it. So Christopher bought me some of this stuff:

Halo Sports Wash is my saviour! (I'm sure other brands are available!) I am also told a few drops of tea tree in your wash work too but I CBA to faff about. This stuff smells off tea tree and every time I use it my gym kit comes out smelling absolutely fine again! Good job too as it was getting expensive to keep binning stuff after 2 months!

H x

I'm not a quitter, I'm not a quitter, I'm not a quitter...

Oh. My. Days.

I had a funny feeling today's PT session would be tough. I'm absolutely knackered. For a variety of reasons this week I have been averaging about 4/5 hrs sleep a night. It really isn't enough. I've also had a 6 hour teaching day which was exhausting, plus my RSI is playing up a lot today,  on top of a whole bunch of other issues this week that I won't bore you with here.

So I knew it would be tough. If I'm honest I'd been feeling a bit uneasy and nervous about it all day.

I went, and Jason announced that I'd be doing the vile new circuit but he was upping the vileness by increasing it to 20 reps. 20 reps, only 5 more reps than last week, doesn't sound like much does it? Even then I was still thinking ok this will be tough but I can do it.

But then something went a tad off course, I didn't anticipate quite how much the fat girl voices in my head would get to me today. I don't know if I'm just tired or in that frame of mind but Christ on a bike, every single bloody rep was a struggle. At one point in the 2nd circuit I had to walk away. I was very close to saying "screw this, I'm not doing it anymore, cancel my direct debit, I'll stick with being a fatty". I don't think I've EVER felt that close to quitting in 7 months. I didn't though, I went back and I carried on. I think I even had a little cry at some point (I'm such a bloody wuss!) There was a couple of times I was hearing myself say "I can't do this", Jason gave me the option to skip burpees etc Well he said he did, I think he had no intention of letting me skip anything and he knew I wouldn't want to skip things or I'd be mad at myself. And that I guess is the difference. 7 months ago I'd have quite happily skipped things. Now I don't want to skip things. I don't want to be a loser, I WANT to keep going, I WANT to push myself.

But today was hard, really hard. Probably more mentally than physically. Don't get me wrong physically it hurt! But mentally it hurt more. I feel a bit like my confidence has been knocked a little. I'll bounce back and crack on again on Sunday but for now I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself :( So I'm off to cheer myself up by watching Z List celebs eat kangaroo knackers. I have a ton of school work to do but my RSI is telling me I need a break. It'll keep.

H x

Ok I might have actually lost my mind...

So after my first ever outdoor run on Saturday someone has just tagged me on Facebook to this:

My first reaction wasn't "no way" it was "yeah cool, lets give that a bash!"

My 2nd, delayed reaction was "crap, how far is 5k?" But its ok peeps, I've Googled it and it's about 3.1 miles. I ran 1.78 miles on Saturday with fairly minimal bother (apart from the tops of my thighs aching for 48 hrs!) so with a few months of a bit of practice, some more squats in the gym etc and I should be fine no probs right?

H x

Bras

I've been thinking all day what to write about tonight. I could tell you about how I smashed my time in the gym tonight, which resulted in some slightly unhinged giggling.

But I think I'll tell you about a slight issue I've been having since I started all this gym malarky and that issue is bras.

When I started all this fitness stuff my bra size was 46DD. The cup size I was never too worried about, my boobs always looked ok,  but the back size was massive!

I have 2 bra issues.

1) Sports Bras. Sports bras are REALLY expensive! Also high street shops do not stock anything over 38D. So if you are a larger girl, you are stuffed, yet ironically it is the larger girls that NEED the sports bras most! I ended up spending my birthday money on Sports Bras (from Amazon!), hardly the most exciting thing to buy, but oh so essential.

2) My 2nd issue is boobs shrinking. A lot of my body has shrunk. Not least my boobs. I've gone from 46DD to 36C. When I got pregnant with Imogen I stopped wearing underwired bras because they were uncomfortable. As I got fatter and fatter I found I couldn't go back to wearing them. I convinced myself that manufacturers had changed the way they made bras and thats why they were uncomfortable, er no it's because I was fat! My mother has always said that a decent bra can make you look slimmer as it, without being too graphic, lifts your boobs up!

I have found now I have lost weight I can wear underwire again, which has made a huge difference to how I look. BUT the issue I have is now non of my bras fit properly. I know I need to go to a shop and get measured again, which is a massive pain in the arse in itself. However, my issue is BRAS ARE REALLY EXPENSIVE! Decent bras cost a fortune, something I just can't afford at the moment.

So if anyone would like to buy me some bras 36C, thanks!

H x

Coconut flour disaster

Today I have learnt that coconut flour is NOT a substitute for almond flour.

After a hideous couple of days at school, I thought I'd do some paleo baking to cheer myself up.  Stress and emotions make me eat. I love baking and the odd healthy sweet treat is often enough to stop me binging.

But there seems to be a nationwide shortage of ground almonds, so I thought I'd experiment with coconut flour. Coconut is something I never liked before till I started eating clean/paleo, but I love it now, so I thought this would work well.

I'd figure I'd make some coconut biscuits with dark chocolate chunks.

I poured in the ingredients and set my mixer on the case. But the mixture looked very dry. The recipe didn't say to add any egg and most other recipes do so I added an egg, it was still too dry. So I added another, still too dry. After 3 eggs I should have twigged this was going the wrong way, the mixture just wouldn't form a dough. 5 eggs later and it still was like crumbs. So I added water. Eventually I gave up and "squashed" the mixture together in to biscuits.  I put the first 9 biscuits in the oven and set a timer. After 10 mins of watching CBeebies I got my "biscuits" out the oven.

I instantly knew they weren't going to be good. They looked raw in the middle and burnt on the outside. I tried one, 1 bite in and they tasted foul! Now I don't bin food, ever (a total food issue of mine!) but even I've got to admit these are going in the bin.

So 5 eggs and some very expensive coconut flour wasted, not to mentioned a bar of high quality dark chocolate. To say I am heartbroken is an understatement.

Off to console myself with some peanut butter and carrot sticks.

H x

Turns out I do have a competitive streak...

I've never been one for competing against others, particularly competitive sports. I detested it in PE at school. I wasn't one of the sporty girls at school and I found things like netball, hockey etc abhorrent! I've always told myself I hated it.  This is an issue I've carried with me in to adulthood and it displays itself in a number of ways, usually underselling myself!

So imagine my surprise when today I found a little bit of my competitive streak lurking away in the depths of my mind. I've been working on a new circuit which at the moment feels totally vile, its hard, it makes me sweat, makes me feel nauseous and I kinda like it.

When I went through this circuit at my last PT session I took 27 mins 35 seconds to complete 3 circuits of 8 exercises (15 reps per circuit and including 2 x 2 min rests) When I tried the circuit myself the next day I took about 36 mins! A horrific time, and I was a bit narked with myself but I vowed to do better. When I tried again on Friday I was 29.45 including the rests, better but still over 2 mins slower.

Jason has always told me that you never push yourself as hard on your own as you do when your PT is there. So tonight I thought, stuff that, I'm going to smash it. So I repeated my circuits and tonight ladies and gentlemen I pulled out of the bag a time of 23 mins 2seconds!

Now it should be noted at this point I had to leave the TRX out because someone else was using it at the start of my circuits but even if I allowed 1 min per set on the TRX which for me would be reasonably slow that would still be 26 mins 2 seconds which would be just over 1&1/2 mins quicker than my PT session time. So I think ladies and gents you could say I smashed it out the park. YES *air punch*.

So next time the plan is to do all 8 exercises including the TRX at a time of 26 mins or less. No probs right?

So there you have it, I've caught myself being a little bit competitive with myself. New territory that.

H x

I'm an idiot...

http://www.withings.com/

I know, I know, I know! I know I shouldn't weigh myself every day. But I do. Alright, I admit it, I weight myself everyday. Sometimes multiple times a day.

 The intelligent part of my brain tells me this is stupid for 2 reasons

1. Your weight fluctuates throughout the week and throughout the day
2. You become obsessed 

So this morning after being on a high from getting back on track this week, I've put 2lb on! 2 bloody lb!!! For god sake!

My first thought was, OMG move the scales see if I get t a different reading. Then best of 3, then best of 5. Then I got cross. Why, Ive been so good? Then realisation, actually we went subway yesterday, I was reasonably good, I only had a 6" not a foot long but still bread and shit and then I might have had a couple of fondant fancies too oh and a biscuit. So actually, I've got no one to blame but myself.

 I know if I step on the scales this afternoon I'll probably have lost a lb and therefore it will have only been 1 lb I've gained. But that will just be the daily fluctuation.

 So this morning I have got up and made breakfast lasagna, its cooking as I type. But now I am stressing because it has chorizo in and thats processed and has fat, therefore am I going to be doing more harm than good. And then I think well stress is bad for weight loss too so am I making it even worse!?

ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH why is this next half a stone eluding me!? And anyway, I'm getting fit and eating better, why do I even give a crap about the weight. As long as i'm getting healthier and my clothes fit/get a bit looser it's all good right? No, my head is still conditioned to care about the numbers on the bloody scales. Am so mad at myself!

H x

Who knew running would be so emosh

When I was 14 or so, my form tutor at school insisted I had to represent the form for 300m at sports day. I was horrified at the thought. I really didn't want to do it, I felt sick days before. (I was the kid who did everything to get out of PE, why would I want to run!?) So I took part in the heats except half way through disaster struck, I realised that if I carried on at the pace I was running I would qualify for the final and have to run in front of the whole school. So I slowed down on purpose ensuring I finished 2nd to last so I didn't qualify. "ah never mind its the taking part that counts" said my idiot of a form tutor. No mate, if you had any understanding of your pupils and what they were about you would have realised forcing me to enter that race was the worst idea ever. 

Ever since then I have had issues with running. I have convinced myself I can't run!

Back on the 30th October I posted this "So this week when Jason suggested I should give running a go, I didn't think "f**k off I don't run", I thought yeah, maybe.  I'm not entirely sure how to run outside (sounds daft!) I need to psyche myself up to it but before Christmas I am going to give running outside a go."

And today was the day I did it! I've been talking myself up to it for the last 2 weeks.

I waited until it was dark (less chance of people staring at me). I put on my trainers and joggers, grabbed Christopher's hi-vis jacket and my water bottle, installed RunKeeper on my iphone and I ran. First hurdle, getting out the door, done! 2nd hurdle was to get past the group of teenagers on the corner of our street, they didn't seem to bother too much about me though.

3rd hurdle running up hill past Sainsbury's, so far so good. I wasn't sure how far I would go or for how long, I just thought I'd see how it went. I nearly fell over when I heard someone talking behind me, I thought I was about to be mugged, then realised it was RunKeeper telling me some stats hahaha

In the end I ran to just past where Dard's used to be (half way to Cudworth if you are from Barnsley), then I ran back. Coming back was so much harder, but I only walked to cross the road (didn't think tripping in the road would be the smartest move) other than that I ran all the way. RunKeeper tells me I ran 1.78miles in 21.20. I don't know much about distances or times. But I am guessing it's not that far or particularly fast but the important thing is I did it. I didn't deck it, vomit or cry. I'm still alive, sweaty, but alive. Now I know I can do it, I can build on it. I can aim to go longer and faster.

I think the thing that has shocked me the most is I ran for 21 mins. On the treadmill in the gym back in May I was struggling with 6 mins. My fitness is definitely improving. I actually feel quite emosh about this little achievement, who'd have thought.

H x

Those little voices in my head can get lost...

Friday's is always a funny day for me gym wise.

I don't start school till 10am on a Friday but due to a mad rush to get the house tidy for the cleaner, I end up having to stop at home till about 9ish just putting things away etc. So I don't go to the gym in the morning. Then my timetable means I teach either 6 lessons or 4 lessons, 3 of which are back to back from 1.15 - 4.15. People outside of teaching won't realise but that is physically and mentally demanding, especially the 6 lesson day. So come Friday evening I am usually knackered.

Today needed to be a gym day. I didn't go yesterday due to a late INSET session and I hate missing 2 days in a row. But over the course of the afternoon my bottom left wisdom tooth started to make a bid for freedom again. By 4.15 my gum was inflamed and I sounded ridiculous. (might explain the dizziness over the past couple of weeks though!)

I seriously considered not going to the gym, why would I want to do circuits when I feel so crap? A little voice in my head was saying, go home, get 45 mins sleep before Imogen comes home, you can just go tomorrow. But for once I didn't pay any attention. I downed some ibuprofen and paracetamol and dragged myself in. I am glad I did. My circuits were so much better than Wednesday. Still not fast enough but significantly better. I got through the 15 reps. It hurt and I thought the vein in my neck might explode my pulse was that fast and I was quite clearly the sweatiest person in the gym by a country mile! But by the end I felt good, mainly because I'd done it.

Now just to get my time down and stop faffing about when doing burpees!

H x

You are not a dog...

I've come to realise over the past 6 months that over my 32 years on this planet I have conditioned myself to reward myself with food.

"ooh I got a promotion, lets go to Pizza Slut", "ooh I didn't eat chocolate, fancy a curry?", "Yay I lost a lb, chippy tea?" "Today ends in y, want a kebab?"

Yes I can find any reason on earth to celebrate with eating crap food. So this week I was mega proud that on finding out I'd been awarded a pay rise, I DID NOT order a takeaway. Nope I had a lovely huge piece of sirloin steak with sweet potato and roasted veg. It was delicious. It took a bit of willpower but I'm glad I didn't buckle.

I reckon it will still take me a while to ditch the whole "reward with food" culture that is deeply embedded in my brain, but I am getting there.

Maybe I can buy a new Radley handbag instead?

H x