Who knew running would be so emosh

When I was 14 or so, my form tutor at school insisted I had to represent the form for 300m at sports day. I was horrified at the thought. I really didn't want to do it, I felt sick days before. (I was the kid who did everything to get out of PE, why would I want to run!?) So I took part in the heats except half way through disaster struck, I realised that if I carried on at the pace I was running I would qualify for the final and have to run in front of the whole school. So I slowed down on purpose ensuring I finished 2nd to last so I didn't qualify. "ah never mind its the taking part that counts" said my idiot of a form tutor. No mate, if you had any understanding of your pupils and what they were about you would have realised forcing me to enter that race was the worst idea ever. 

Ever since then I have had issues with running. I have convinced myself I can't run!

Back on the 30th October I posted this "So this week when Jason suggested I should give running a go, I didn't think "f**k off I don't run", I thought yeah, maybe.  I'm not entirely sure how to run outside (sounds daft!) I need to psyche myself up to it but before Christmas I am going to give running outside a go."

And today was the day I did it! I've been talking myself up to it for the last 2 weeks.

I waited until it was dark (less chance of people staring at me). I put on my trainers and joggers, grabbed Christopher's hi-vis jacket and my water bottle, installed RunKeeper on my iphone and I ran. First hurdle, getting out the door, done! 2nd hurdle was to get past the group of teenagers on the corner of our street, they didn't seem to bother too much about me though.

3rd hurdle running up hill past Sainsbury's, so far so good. I wasn't sure how far I would go or for how long, I just thought I'd see how it went. I nearly fell over when I heard someone talking behind me, I thought I was about to be mugged, then realised it was RunKeeper telling me some stats hahaha

In the end I ran to just past where Dard's used to be (half way to Cudworth if you are from Barnsley), then I ran back. Coming back was so much harder, but I only walked to cross the road (didn't think tripping in the road would be the smartest move) other than that I ran all the way. RunKeeper tells me I ran 1.78miles in 21.20. I don't know much about distances or times. But I am guessing it's not that far or particularly fast but the important thing is I did it. I didn't deck it, vomit or cry. I'm still alive, sweaty, but alive. Now I know I can do it, I can build on it. I can aim to go longer and faster.

I think the thing that has shocked me the most is I ran for 21 mins. On the treadmill in the gym back in May I was struggling with 6 mins. My fitness is definitely improving. I actually feel quite emosh about this little achievement, who'd have thought.

H x

Those little voices in my head can get lost...

Friday's is always a funny day for me gym wise.

I don't start school till 10am on a Friday but due to a mad rush to get the house tidy for the cleaner, I end up having to stop at home till about 9ish just putting things away etc. So I don't go to the gym in the morning. Then my timetable means I teach either 6 lessons or 4 lessons, 3 of which are back to back from 1.15 - 4.15. People outside of teaching won't realise but that is physically and mentally demanding, especially the 6 lesson day. So come Friday evening I am usually knackered.

Today needed to be a gym day. I didn't go yesterday due to a late INSET session and I hate missing 2 days in a row. But over the course of the afternoon my bottom left wisdom tooth started to make a bid for freedom again. By 4.15 my gum was inflamed and I sounded ridiculous. (might explain the dizziness over the past couple of weeks though!)

I seriously considered not going to the gym, why would I want to do circuits when I feel so crap? A little voice in my head was saying, go home, get 45 mins sleep before Imogen comes home, you can just go tomorrow. But for once I didn't pay any attention. I downed some ibuprofen and paracetamol and dragged myself in. I am glad I did. My circuits were so much better than Wednesday. Still not fast enough but significantly better. I got through the 15 reps. It hurt and I thought the vein in my neck might explode my pulse was that fast and I was quite clearly the sweatiest person in the gym by a country mile! But by the end I felt good, mainly because I'd done it.

Now just to get my time down and stop faffing about when doing burpees!

H x

You are not a dog...

I've come to realise over the past 6 months that over my 32 years on this planet I have conditioned myself to reward myself with food.

"ooh I got a promotion, lets go to Pizza Slut", "ooh I didn't eat chocolate, fancy a curry?", "Yay I lost a lb, chippy tea?" "Today ends in y, want a kebab?"

Yes I can find any reason on earth to celebrate with eating crap food. So this week I was mega proud that on finding out I'd been awarded a pay rise, I DID NOT order a takeaway. Nope I had a lovely huge piece of sirloin steak with sweet potato and roasted veg. It was delicious. It took a bit of willpower but I'm glad I didn't buckle.

I reckon it will still take me a while to ditch the whole "reward with food" culture that is deeply embedded in my brain, but I am getting there.

Maybe I can buy a new Radley handbag instead?

H x

For the love of god I NEED cake...

Paleo cake of course, but cake.

Most paleo cake recipes seem to rely on ground almond flour, but there appears to be a national shortage of the stuff. Christopher seems to think it is something to do with a national recall because of traces of peanuts were found in it or something. Would that effect every single supermarket???

I suppose I could grind my own almonds in Christopher's coffee grinder (shhhh don't tell him!) but I don't think I can be arsed. I best eat some fruit before I do something silly and eat one of Imogen's French Fancies (when I say 1 I mean 1 box!) and end up in some sugar induced coma!

H x

I am actually dead.

Today has been a funny old day.

Meeting with the big boss man first thing. But felt out of if all day, I had woken at 2am this morning with a banging headache and dizziness. I took my anti-dizziness tablets and slept till my alarm at 5am. The headache and dizziness has been lurking all day, but my tablets and extra strong ibuprofen have seen me through, although I felt spaced out all day.

This afternoon my year 7 class were so impressed with the demo of making animated gifs that they burst in to spontaneous applause (haha).

And then I've had a training session. I wasn't sure how todays session would go. I was buzzing last week. But today I felt so drained I wasn't sure I'd get through the session without decking it.

So after a bit of a warm up and a few questions about why I'd only done 11/12 reps on Sunday (really must stop being so honest on this blog!) "15 reps" Jason said . "oh crap" I said in my head. I wasn't sure I could. Everything in my head was telling me no today. I don't get why 15 reps feels a billion times harder than 10 reps but it chuffing does. My latest nemesis is sit ups. There is something about them I dislike, A LOT. I don't know if it is going from being stood up to on the floor but they make me feel dizzy (but is that just the dizziness I have anyway?)

There were a couple of times I was literally arguing with myself in my head "I can't do this" "yes you bloody can". But I got through it. I mentally dragged myself through today. I didn't bottle it. This is good. I did all 15 reps, 3 circuits of 8 exercises. That is 360 movements in about 27.35 mins (with 2 x 2min rests)

Turns out the difficulty from upping my reps is not physical, it is mental. My brain tells me I can't. I wonder if I will ever get past that.

By the time I'd finished I was dripping in sweat (literally), it is a very attractive look, good job I'm not at the gym to pull. I feel totally dazed by today's session. On paper I should be buzzing at my progress, but the reality is I just feel numb, I'm not entirely sure how I got home tbh. So I can only come to the conclusion that I am dead.

H x

Chin up beautiful...

It is well documented that I've had a few stumbles over the past 8 weeks. Nutrition has been a nightmare, 1 day good, 1 day shocking, yoyo-ing between clean, healthy, delicious, fresh food and total, utter shite. Fitness wise I've had a fair few rubbish sessions in the gym, never quite getting the push I want, never feeling satisfied. Too slow, too few reps, bottling it on circuits, even crying! (Yes I am that slightly unhinged woman blubbing on a mat!)

This for me is a dangerous time. A lot of people will say, "don't worry, you can't be superhuman all the time, you're pushing yourself too hard, relax a little". But I am so petrified of slipping, slipping back to old habits. Sacking off the gym in favour of Corrie and a bag of wispa bites, takeaways 3 -4  times a week etc. I don't want to go back there, I know how rubbish I felt (mentally and physically). I can't go back there, it would destroy any confidence I have developed over the last 6 months.

And here is the crunch. I've got to get over this "failure" idea. Slip ups do not equal disaster. They are just a slight deviation from the path and I just need to make sure I get back to the path, at the earliest opportunity. 

So after a 8 not so great weeks, I am ready to get back to the path. I've stumbled, but I'm ready to pick myself back up, dust myself off and refocus. A great training session Thursday helped, but even more was the session I did on my own today. I went in with the idea I'd do 11 reps of my 8 exercises (I did 10 on Thursday). But on the last circuit, I thought I'd push to 12. I motivated myself to push another rep out on each circuit. Now that might not sound a massive achievement, 1 more rep, so what? And possibly physically I could have done more BUT the achievement was mentally, pushing beyond what I set out to do.  This is massive for me. I CAN push myself beyond.

So, onwards and upwards. Tomorrow I need to refocus on the food. I know I can do that and if I feel the fitness is getting back on track I "think" I'll be motivated to get the nutrition back on track too.

H x

How many expletives....

How many expletives can one girl utter at a pair of kettlebells? Answer: A LOT!

Much to my mother's disgust, my language, at times (a lot of the time) can be fairly "colourful". So it comes as no great surprise that during sessions at the gym the odd (ok a lot) of expletives often pop out of my mouth.

The current target of my verbal abuse is often the kettlebells. Or "bastard kettlebells" as I affectionately call them. Some might say if I have the energy to swear, then I could push myself harder. I say that uttering a few (a lot) of expletives is my way of getting through it. I have tried to tone it down a bit. Swear less, whinge less is my new motto. I "think" I am getting better (although others might disagree!)

I have noticed though the target of my expletives will vary depending on which exercise I am finding hardest. The powerbag took a lot of verbal abuse for a number of weeks and those dumbbells didn't escape when I was doing dumbbell thrusters.

I also find I talk to myself a hell of a lot too. "Come on, 5 more reps, you can do this, stop being silly, for god sake man up" haha. These are all things I mentally shout at myself and often say out loud. To anyone else I probably look mental.

I wonder if other gym-goers swear as much and talk to themselves and inanimate objects? Or maybe I am just mental!

H x