It's all in my head...

I spend a lot of my time looking at motivational fitness quotes on Pinterest. I do this for 3 reasons. 1) Sometimes you stumble upon a quote that really resonates with how you feel and gives you a little buzz. 2) It gives me a lovely distraction from marking, planning, analysing data etc 3) Occasionally you find a belter of a quote that will work for GCSE exams that you can use in form period to motivate your little band of happy campers.

One thing that comes up time and time again is that fitness and pushing yourself beyond your limits isn't so much limited by your physically capabilities but more your mental attitude.

This is something I am encountering time and time again. Whenever Jason gives me something new to try my first reaction is "Is he for real? He's got to be joking! No f*cking way!" My natural reaction is "can't".

The first time I tried burpees I was convinced I couldn't do them! I managed 3. I can do them (in a fashion). I remember the first time I managed 10 in a row. That feeling was unbelievable, you'd have thought I'd hit the jackpot on the lottery, then the time I managed 45 burpees in 1 session I had a smile on my face for hours after. But if you'd have told me that first time I could do 45 in one session I'd have said "no way!". Sometimes when I am doing something like burpees I mentally have to tell myself I can. Outwardly I will vocalise "I can't do this" but in my head I am trying to tell myself I can. It is a real mental battle sometimes. But it is good for me to reflect back and remember what I thought I couldn't do and where I am now to see that pretty much anything is possible.

So today we've tried kettlebell burpees. This involves dead lifting everyones favourite kettlebells, the big fat purple ones but then as you put the kettlebells to the floor you go down in to a burpee, then back up again, deadlifting them back up. The biggest issue I have with this move is not the deadlift, it isn't the idea of the burpee particularly. No the biggest mental hurdle I have with this is the idea that the kettlebells are a tiny bit wobbly and therefore I might deck it and face plant it.

Now I remember this "concern". It is the same concern I had about doing regular burpees right at the start all those months ago. I got past that mental hurdle and I don't really think about it now. So I just need to convince my mind that I CAN do kettlebell burpees and that I WON'T deck it.

H x

You know when you've pushed yourself...

"You'll never work as hard on your own as you do in a training session with me" Jason has been saying this to me from day 1. Initially I thought he was just saying that to try and get me to buy more sessions with him haha and much as I would love 2 or 3 training sessions a week my bank manager says no! (Once Immie leaves nursery and I'm saving £800 a month in childcare Im on it!)

But he's right. There is a huge difference between me trying to motivate myself and push myself to having someone next to me pushing me on. Things which anyone (not just me) might slack off on are speed, rests, form, reps etc.

But sometimes, just sometimes you get a workout where it all comes together and you are pushing yourself as hard as you can. You're doing the reps, not cheating on rests, your form is good, you're adjusting things to make things harder not easier, you're smashing your times and YOU JUST KNOW you're putting in 100%. These are THE BEST kind of workouts.

Today was one of those days.

I've worked so hard this morning. I knew it was going to be a good one. Some of the signs that I know I've done a good session

- I am literally dripping in sweat. It is running of my hair, down my face, my top has ridiculous tide marks. (attractive huh!)
- my face is bright beetroot red and my skin is boiling
- I feel like I may vomit
- I giggle at the end of the last circuit. For some odd reason when I've put in a good session it makes me giggle, endorphins maybe?
- Taking my sports bra off becomes the trickiest task ever because my arms feel like spaghetti
- The shower in the gym turns off before I've even run my hands through my hair because I need a few mins to just calm down
- I sing loudly in the car on the way home, I don't know why! If i've had a rubbish session I tend to sit in silence.
- I want to go and do it again! Nothing like a good workout to motivate you and spur you on.

Knackered but happy!

Not all independent workouts are like this, not even all training sessions are like this. But they make you feel bloody awesome when you do pull one out the bag like it. I suppose the trick is to always aim for this, you might not always get there but at least aim for it.

H x

Inspirational women and going out eating/drinking

Yesterday I went to the gym in the morning. I was buzzin before I started. I'd woken up the lowest weight I've been in about 10 years (11st 9) and for the first time since I started all this fitness malarky I felt like my stomach is beginning to look flatter. It was the first time I could genuinely see the progress in myself. So despite having had minimal sleep due to a 3&1/2 year old having a nightmare I felt good and up for tackling my circuits before work.

I started with my warm up and I was sweating profusely. It is never going well when even the warm up is killing you. I pushed on through the first circuit and pulled a time of 7 & 1/2 mins, not the best time but not the worst either, I felt a bit sick. I started the 2nd circuit and BAM, 2 exercises in I felt sick and REALLY dizzy. I've not had this for a few weeks. It was bad enough to make me need to lay down with my feet resting up on a step (looking like a complete tit). At one point I very nearly blacked out, having blacked out twice in my life I know what it feels like and I don't like it.

So at that point I did my cool down, felt a bit fed up and went for a shower.

Whilst I was getting changed and feeling a bit sorry for myself I encountered a woman called Helen. Helen is in her 70s (maybe she is me in the future) and she is quite possibly one of the most positive, motivational woman I have EVER met.

Helen was chatting to another woman. They were talking about age. She was saying how age is just a number, it doesn't matter, it is how you feel inside. She then went on to say how people ask her if she has any regrets in her life. She said "I tell people, I don't have any regrets, every experience is good or bad and you can learn something from them. There is no point in having regrets, it is just life and I wouldn't change a thing I've done."

She was so positive about life.  I'd love to get her to come in and do an assembly for year 11!

She comes to the gym a fair bit (I hope I'm still doing that at 70+!) but I also hope I can be that positive about life. At the moment I am quite a pessimist. Maybe I am just tired and it is the end of a long term. Maybe after 2 weeks off work (if you don't count marking 100+ Y11 mock papers!) I might feel a bit brighter. The cloud is beginning to lift though especially with the help of decent exercise.

Last night I went out. My good friend Hannah is leaving our school next week so a few of us went out for dinner and drinks. I haven't been out since August! Having lost 4 & 1/2 stone I decided to buy a new dress, new heels etc.

Me ready to go out

We went to ASK (an Italian restaurant). I had already perused the menu on the Internet and decided what I could eat that would fit with my new way of eating, I was going to have a salad but salad in winter is just wrong. When I got there, the garlic and bread smells coming from the kitchen were just too good. I ummed and ahhed for ages and in the end I relented. I had a pizza (!) shock horror! BUT I was considered about my choice. I picked a meaty pizza (meat on paleo is good, even chorizo! so I figured whilst it wouldn't be totally clean it wouldn't be a disaster), tomato sauce won't be too bad and I asked them to make me a gluten free base. This would be more paleo than proper dough but also it makes the base super thin so not as heavy. I'm not sure what Jason will say but I'm going with the thinking that a little of what you fancy does you good from time to time and I hardly ever go out and I'd have felt shortchanged for my night out if I had forced myself to have a salad when I didn't want it.

I also had a drink. After a bit of a discussion about drink with Jason, I decided to just have a few drinks of what I fancied. I had a white wine and soda with my meal (the soda was a great idea because I haven't had alcohol in ages so it diluted it down) then I had 2 vodka and diet cokes. After an intense day at work I thought I might get absolutely hammered but as it turned out I was too tired and 2 & 1/2 alcoholic drinks were more than enough.

My favourite kind of goblet, can I use this for goblet squats?

So I ate my pizza, I enjoyed it , I drank alcohol and enjoyed it, and now I am back eating clean today. No damage done. It's all good.

H x

Aches and pains

So today I am feeling last nights session. I got up this morning a little bit stiff and sore. This has gradually intensified as the day has gone on.

My list of aches and pains include

- sore muscles at the bottom of my tummy
- sore arm muscles
- pain in my lower back (still not sure I've got those hip hinges right)
- sore muscles where my boobs are (!)
- a big whack off bruise where that barbell was resting

Secretly I quite like it. It means I got off my backside and did something yesterday. As they say, no pain, no gain!

H x

Sssh I secretly enjoyed todays session...

So today's training session has been centred around the big scary weights area with the big hairy men. Not going to lie, I really enjoyed it! It still scares me silly, I still doubt my capabilities BUT I find it challenging and it is something I feel I can make progress with. There were definitely some blokes eyeing my suspiciously though. Maybe they were worried I'd show them up ;) LOL joke!

It started with using the squat rack. We've not used the squat rack for a few weeks and that barbell felt heavy, heavier than I remember! Then we added some weights (10kg at each end I think) but that just felt ridiculous, I thought I was going to fall over, so we went back to nothing, just the bar, that felt much safer. We tried with the 5kg (I think) weights later that was better but still ridiculous!

Then we had a go at the Romanian deadlift with a barbell. I still find the hip hinges hard going, they require so much concentration, trying not to bend at the knees but still going down far enough, not dropping the shoulders etc. BUT I think I am slowly getting it.

Then the bit I'm most chuffed with. I did man press ups. I beat my previous record of 3, by doing 10 whole man press ups. (followed by 10 girl ones!) Yep I did 10 actual proper press ups. Not very elegantly I might add and probably a lot to improve on my technique BUT I did them! #progress!

Then reverse lunges, why is backwards so much harder than forwards? Why does my brain struggle to compute these? I can do them, they just feel very slow at the moment.

Finally we had a dabble using the T Bar Row. Now the T Bar Row makes good use of the boobs out/bum out approach but then just to make it feel even more obscene you add in pulling up and down a massive metal bar between your legs. Now maybe I hang out with teenagers too much but this just creases me up. Even now thinking about it it makes me giggle, I can't help it!

I'm not even sure how many circuits I did tonight?? But it felt good.

So today's training session was a good one, I feel motivated, tired and sore but motivated.

H x

Self esteem

I'd not really thought about it too much before but this fitness lark and nutrition has been as much about self esteem building as it has been about weight loss and getting healthy and fit.

Tonight my self esteem has taken a bit of a battering.

After promising I would go to the gym tonight after last nights failed attempt, I actually ended up at Meadowhall  (For my American followers Meadowhall is a big out of town shopping centre in the North of England.)

Now I hate Meadowhall and Meadowhall before Christmas is normally a no go. But tonight was an emergency.

On Friday I am going out. I've not been out drinking in months (literally about 5 months!) and it is for the leaving do of a very good friend. So having lost so much weight I thought I'd buy something new to wear. I spent Sunday night surfing the Internet and found a dress and some shoes I thought might look ok, ordered them and they turned up today. Now what was interesting is I ordered a size 14. I didn't contemplate the 16. I was suspicious the dress might not fit due to its style but I thought I'd give 14 a bash.

The dress turned up today. It did up, hurrah! But I didn't feel comfortable enough to wear it for a whole evening. Self esteem still ok at this point.

So I did a mad dash to Meadowhall. I really wanted to go to the gym BUT tonight was my last chance to get something to wear for Friday and I still have this headache lurking. So on balance I decided it would be better to go shopping. (sorry Jason!)

I knew I could get a refund on the dress, so I tried a few other shops. I actually tried things on in shops (never did that this time last year!). The first few shops everything was just never gonna fit. The sizes were too small. Self esteem a little dented, but still ok.

Then I went to the shop I bought the dress online from. I spent ages trying to find something I liked, eventually I found 2 possibles, so  I took them too the changing room. And here is where the self esteem took a massive free fall plummet. In the Marks and Spencer's changing rooms they have mirrors all around. You can see EVERYTHING from every bloody angle. Fat arse, fat thighs, whoopee cushion saggy stomach, haggered face with spots. Oh my days! Then to add insult to injury the new style dresses in a 14 wouldn't even do up. Bam. There goes 8 months of self esteem building gone in 5 mins in a changing room. I feel as crap about the way I look as I did 8 months and 4 stone ago.

Issues? Possibly.

So I finally admitted defeat and got a 16. I'm not convinced it is totally right tbh, I think it is too loose round the boobs but it'll have to do, I haven't got time to look for anything else.

I no doubt reckon this post will generate some comments regarding "how far I've come, how much better I look" etc etc BUT it still doesn't mean I'm happy with how I am now.

And I KNOW I should forget the way I look and just concentrate on the fact I am healthier and fitter BUT it isn't as easy as that.

H x

Frustrated...

ARGH!

For the past 6 weeks I have been suffering continuous headaches interspersed with migraines. I've always suffered with headaches and the odd migraine but not to the level of frequency I have been getting them now.

The doctor thinks they are stress related, (yeah thanks for that Doc!) and has prescribed some tablets that are next to useless. Other than that he's just suggested I take ibuprofen and paracetamol. I'm not keen on continually taking painkillers, not with the frequency I now seem to be relying on them.

But tonight I am really narked. I've had a migraine lurking all day, I've taken the painkillers and thought I'd get myself to the gym and try and take my mind off it. 5 mins on the rower and BAM head is pounding.  The whole left side of my head is banging, especially over my left eye. So I've had to abandon my workout. GUTTED! I know people say "listen to your body" but seriously, for god sake,  how am I supposed to maintain any kind of form when this happens.

I'm so flippin' mad!

People will say, get to bed earlier, get more sleep, get less stress etc but how do I even do that? I'd love to go to bed at 9pm tonight but Immie won't be asleep till 8, I need to eat dinner and mark 30 Y7 books and sort 3 lessons for tomorrow.

I seriously can't keep on with these headaches though. Can't remember the last day I didn't have a headache. :(

Hoping I can get it under control and go to the gym tomorrow instead.



H x